Cafe

fishing for comets would be killer mood music in a coffee shop. I'm lounging on a sofa and doing some assignments, and beth orton's singing in my ears.
I'm people watching and that's always tough.
i see the cutest old couple. My god they are adorable, walking in hand in hand. They grab a seat at a table just in front of me. I can't get over the peaceful routine this is for them. I know they are content, but they say nothing to each other really. i wonder if they are retired, how long they have been married. It kills me to think how it must be adjusting in this fast moving environment, everyone is "go go go" and they just move slow and steady. I also think it's weird hearing modest mouse blaring in the background and they have no clue who that is, or why kids these days pierce and paint all over there bodies. I wonder if they feel like the world is moving past them, or if they are just watching all these crazy changes and giggle in side.
I'm scared to be them. I'm afraid of getting old, but know it will happen and just hope i'll have someone to do it with. so we can just sit, be slow, and laugh at all the people speeding past us.

4-28-08

I heard little kids playing out in the snow, through my window they were the three little girls I nannied when i was younger. there age had frozen. I walked them back home and slushed around the ice in my sandals.
i took you to an asian market where they have cotton candy flowers. I really wanted you to try them.

cowabunga!

I crushed a turtle today. It's not like I meant to you know. He was heading for my car as I was driving 30 and I thought i'd squirve right past him. Instead I felt the horror of my back tire kaplumping away an innocent ninja. I feel for it, I tried to return to the scene on my way home, ( to give it a proper burial of course) but no sign of him/her or the remains.

This also made me think about the aesop fable "tortoise and the hare". I really believed that being green and having slow crazy legs could get you somewhere. Where did it get good ole "jr" today? Is there any truth to this slow and steady wins the race?
I'm beliving that I'm becoming a non believer.

yeah, i have it good...

i'm a lucky son of a bitch.
This week was filled with love and yums. My birthday was fabulous and started out with the good day show- watching cas and woodbelly followed with a birthday sign on tv and a shout out! could not believe it!
Eric's to good i swear. ... that's cute boyfriend stuff right there. He also got me a wriststrong bracelet that i've lost as of now. very sad, but i can't lose his other gift. www.camillecortinas.com ! who knows what will become of that.
my family took me out to dinner. we never do that. i got tons of messages and phone calls, and i felt so loved. it's sweet to be comforted when your turning a year older.
thank you all.

thems are back....

a hard rain's gonna fall. It did, it is.

I love it, but hate raining frogs. It's always around this time of year, the rain comings pouring down and the frogs are in abundance bouncing from one side of the street to where ever. What do frogs do anyways? Who knows, but when I see them they confuse the hell out of me. I don't want to hurt them, it sickens me to think about frog leg leftover on my tires, but it's really stupid when you come darting out of the wild just as I'm turning the street. I think it's wise to look both ways.

I'm sad right now. Maybe because it's 3am and I really want to be tired... or maybe it's because I feel I'm a pathetic writer just boring myself.

my birthday is near, and that gets me all rowdy. I'm turning 27! looking at this picture from 2 years ago throws me back to a totally different place in my life.I loved the age 25. new numbers make me feel indifferent.

It seems that most of the changes since then have been internal, I've become a better me, i threw out all the bull shit, the games, and have become a more honest person to myself and the people around me. I'm proud of the little accomplishments, however get easily discouraged at the "lack of" progress I feel i should be making. I have no real idea my destination, but I'm in such a hurry to just move,... but then that seems worthless since i don't know there I'm going, so i stall, and then complain that I'm stagnant. Or maybe I am moving, and growing but it's in ways that I can't see just now, and I should be patient. But all in all i just get disappointed with myself, because I know my capabilities and feel i should be more driven. Once again I just don't know where to invest my energy and my capabilities. If someone would just draw me a map. Maybe my older self can give me a hand on this one. I'll be waiting. .

this just in:

the older self at 3:33 am just informed me that it's to fucking late to be having solo battles, and i think to much and that's what's wrong. get over it.

It's pretty amazing. I feel amazing.

So I'm weighing (depending on the day) 5-8 pounds less. This is all due to my diet/body bugg fascination. This week will be my 5th with this device strapped to my arm. I love love love it. I'm my own science project, and sometimes it drives me nuts having to enter in every bite of food i ingest. But i know it's worth it.

In other news, fishing for comets had there first show at Sue Ellen's this weekend, and WOW! The best crowd ever, I want to live there. and dance and sleep

Lovie....

Rebbecca gave me a lead for a tv commercial audition, and I got a casting call. Actually the band and I did. It was pretty much like karaoke full band. It's for a Texas lottery commercial who are looking for Latino musicians. I should expect a call back on the 4th if I got the role. fingers crossed!!!!

i've been violating my diet tonight. Medium was on, dr.pepper, m&m's, and poncorn were eating me up.

lost

Dovey,
I'm so happy that you came back. You leaving is the saddest thing that could happen to Eric, especially considering the dreams i had where you wern't in them. I do want a red cat, but I do love you. I'm sorry that we didn't instantly become best friends. I know upon arrival i invaded what seemed to be your space (it's mine now) , and have learned your personal boundries. I'm also happy that you realized i'm no threat, just an extra person to love you, and feed you bananas.

We are microchipping your ass, and you're going to wear a collar and love it.

i'm in mid-knit

I’ve taken on two knitting projects; both are scarf-like items! I’m not really good at this craft, but I think that's why I like it. I keep my hands busy, my thoughts in my head, and that's that. I can't smoke, make notes, or bite my nails... no nothing. Just weaving yarn in, around, under, blah.......


I've also taken on a new diet and workout which is showing results in my numbers, but I've yet to feel the difference. I'm just so happy that I’ve kicked the habit of junk food, and love the promising new lifestyle. Eric has really brought out the health conscious in me, thank god. And I love it, I’m a compulsive label reader and get so frustrated when foods are to expensive (in Camille terms expensive=to high in fat or calories)

All in all I’m having a blast the body bugg and aiming to maintain a balanced diet...... I've manage to find out that doing these things requires the nasty OCD habits I love more. I love the list making, detailed notes, productivity and upkeep. It gives me something to do, and I can think of worse things to be obsessed about.

playing with my body...

this week i've started a trasformation process. (attempting to a least)

I've been wearing the body bugg on my arm for a week now, and i'm really really taking into consideration all the food i stuff my face with... and of course feeling guilty about a few items too. I love it! I am trying to create a more healthy lifestyle for myself, and these are the training wheels so to speak... and then on to that banana seat bicycle!
yippeee.

i had this awesome dream , i wish wish wish i could remember the meaning or had time to write in full what and why it was.
I was at stephen colberts house. it appeared at times that it was in his studio, dont remember what i was doing there... something to do with being screwed legally and he was helping right a wrong,
then i was walking out of the conference studio room gave him a hug and said i would call him later.... as i'm walking down the stairs the room changed and sam and aaron were loading gear down the stairs. I remember wondering if this was his house or not as i looked around./ It looked like hell, dust balls were around the corners of all the furniture downstairs.. he had milk jugs filled with water next to his plants, in a sad attempt to remind himself to water. it was just sad
WHen i was walking down the stairs i ran into his cat, who was seriously stared for attention. It freaked me out because it looked just like dovey, but every camera phone shot made him look like a wild tiger . I was sad that eric wouldn't believe me. As we werewalking out the door stephen had changed and was in terrible spandex work out clothes. we meet his wife and camera staff downstairs, and it appears we were there for a music performance.

it feels so good...

to be debt free.
this is a first for me, and I know i havn't done that much living, but i had a good chunk of bills sitting on mah plate. It feels good to be responsible, and keep track of my finances.

It also feels good to have good health insurancee, and take care of medical issues as they come up. I really am fortunate to have medical insurance and believe me it's not something i take for granted.

I'm also proud of my desire for being healthy and fit. I do fall short, but my overall efforts over shaddow the negatives. I've taken on a challenge this week. I'm wearing the body bug, so it will not only monitor how many steps i've walked, and how many calories i've burned, it will also monitor my intake, and baby today has been bad.
we shall see.
i want to lose weight. it's not a complex i swear. well maybe it is, but it's not a problem yet. I do want to be thinner, i do think i've got love handles, but hell i'm not threatened to starve myself, there's no fear for anorexia. I love food to much. I'm just reallyhesitant to take action. lazy i guess...but .. i'm going to try. it's for myself.

happy things

what the weekend gave me.

I got to spend a lot of cuddle time with Eric.
(Ahhh, drool drool, i know)

I really enjoyed the live shows I saw (Homespun, Sarah Jaffe, Doug Burr), not to mention our taping on the Gordon Keith Show. what a little trip.

made fried pickles and making a mess.

seeing Cindy Chaffin again really made me happy. I could listen to her talk for hours. Truly one of my favorite people to be with. It's not often I see her, but i usually get a little warm and fuzzy when i do:)

I just really love cold, I hope for more.

easily amused.

watching my dad cry laughing while instant messaging his grandson on yahoo. quite the event.

those embarassing moments

i cried for two hours and finally my eyes started to dry heave. There are no more tears left. It's hard to open my lids. This is humiliating for me. Being so vulnerable, and incapable of controlling my words, my heart and at times my life.
I came to the conclusion that i need therapy, actually meditation is more like it.... But what i mostly need is some faith. I forgot how secure I felt believing in god during my "christian" days. It's a nice feeling to hold a being higher than yourself responsible for the world, those around you and unpredictable things like my menstural cycle.
I'd like to devote some time believing in something bigger than me.
I need a hand. you see, I've fallen .
I'm to busy trying to track down the exact moment i lost myself, rather than figure out how to move forward. I'm also to busy making the disclaimer, " i know my life is good, and i have nothing to really be sad about". Then I quickly burst into crying and sobbing out my intestines along with every negative comment i can muster. It's wrong. I'm missing the point. I'm verbally sinking lower, and it's amazing how easy it is to skip the good and spill out the bad. Why, instead of trampling over the "life is good, i have nothing to be sad" part don't I then count the ways that life is good, before snot dripping tear streaming screams of why I'm so freaking sad. Why don't i retell myself all the good things that I have in my life, remind myself of all the great things that I have, all the gifts I'm blessed with, you know the ones that make it hard to believe i could be depressed? Then i bet it would be more tiring to be sad, and I could open my eyes better.
I know I have a light, it's well hidden. When I smile and mean it, you will know.