it's been almost a month since my last confession. :)
And ewww. i have nothing to say.
I'm so darn bummed. I feel a cold coming on.
I've started drinking dr. peppers again.
the quitting smoking thing is really tough.
i have the occasional stress ciggarette.
i'm bloated, it's terrible.
i'm just in a foul mood... all the time.
i'm waiting to write when something good hits.
it might be a while.
decembers get me grr.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
i was ranch today.
i'm eating one of the four last choke cherry tree pickles that Eric bought my for my birthday in march. I managed to savor and cherish them for some time. There were 6 jars to begin with. I usually slice one giant pickle in 3-4 pieces and eat them throughout the course of the week. But i'm just gettin serious because i'm eating an entire pickle all alone... and loving it. I just don't want there to be no more. (i know that's not proper english, i like it)
i'm tired, but am satisfied. I've been up since 3:20 am. it's now 7:43 oops 7:44 pm and I've managed to keep myself occupied all day without napping. It's been eventful and i seriously felt a sense of appreciation and love all damn day. That feeling is worth staying up for.
All though i did a lot of spoiled alone time events... (and i shouldn't regret them) there are lots of grown up demands that i must not overlook. like applying for financial aid, setting up my 401k at work and washing my hair.
things to consider.
where i get ranch.
i had an outer body experience today while i was at the galleria mall. I was (me my actual self not the outer body) was sitting eating at the la Madeline's.... alone.
I always call "ranch" on people eating alone because i assume they would rather have company or don't have friends, or so forth. and it always makes me sad... typically the old folks who eat alone get me the worst, when they have food on there faces or make obnoxious facial expressions when chewing and staring blindly around... but the truth is maybe only 40% are ranch cases.. most are probably ok with dining alone and don't think anything of it.. But i thought, what if someone was walking by my table and called "ranch" on me for carrying my little dinner tray to my little alone table, spilling napkins all over the floor, eating alone and dribbling tomato basil soup all over my " camouflage mother courage and her children" t-shirt... i mean i'm really the worse offender.
yum,
Camille
i'm tired, but am satisfied. I've been up since 3:20 am. it's now 7:43 oops 7:44 pm and I've managed to keep myself occupied all day without napping. It's been eventful and i seriously felt a sense of appreciation and love all damn day. That feeling is worth staying up for.
All though i did a lot of spoiled alone time events... (and i shouldn't regret them) there are lots of grown up demands that i must not overlook. like applying for financial aid, setting up my 401k at work and washing my hair.
things to consider.
where i get ranch.
i had an outer body experience today while i was at the galleria mall. I was (me my actual self not the outer body) was sitting eating at the la Madeline's.... alone.
I always call "ranch" on people eating alone because i assume they would rather have company or don't have friends, or so forth. and it always makes me sad... typically the old folks who eat alone get me the worst, when they have food on there faces or make obnoxious facial expressions when chewing and staring blindly around... but the truth is maybe only 40% are ranch cases.. most are probably ok with dining alone and don't think anything of it.. But i thought, what if someone was walking by my table and called "ranch" on me for carrying my little dinner tray to my little alone table, spilling napkins all over the floor, eating alone and dribbling tomato basil soup all over my " camouflage mother courage and her children" t-shirt... i mean i'm really the worse offender.
yum,
Camille
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Grums.
i'd like my hair to grow out please.. bangs too. I miss the long hair to hide my early morning, makeup-less face.
I'm awfully bummed right now. When I become overly concerned with the jones', I usually have less fun and become evil camille. I need to just focus on me and what i can do.
Grrr (x 1,000)
I'm awfully bummed right now. When I become overly concerned with the jones', I usually have less fun and become evil camille. I need to just focus on me and what i can do.
Grrr (x 1,000)
Sunday, November 4, 2007
i'm finding a way to your heart...
dear jefferson,
you freakin ginger brat.
I LOVE you. such a loner, and i'm going to trying to use the power of food to win your heart. I know.... I know. You have to be a mean tough alley cat to survive the rough dog barking, car zipping streets of dallas ... but i want to prove to you that a life of being spoiled and adored by me can be just as deadly. please consider.
It's going to be a difficult task, but i hope in one of your lifetimes that i'll accomplish this.
i have two more cans of tuna yum yums and i'll spend them all on you and not dovey.
xo,
Camille
you freakin ginger brat.
I LOVE you. such a loner, and i'm going to trying to use the power of food to win your heart. I know.... I know. You have to be a mean tough alley cat to survive the rough dog barking, car zipping streets of dallas ... but i want to prove to you that a life of being spoiled and adored by me can be just as deadly. please consider.
It's going to be a difficult task, but i hope in one of your lifetimes that i'll accomplish this.
i have two more cans of tuna yum yums and i'll spend them all on you and not dovey.
xo,
Camille
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Halloween is over
which makes me sad. this was such a bright day. Possibly my favorite holiday that we silly Americans celebrate.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
my costume?
it happened on accident. i wanted to be a sexy something for halloween cause that's what girls do. So i had a plaid skirt on with a white collar shirt. knotted it up and bam! I got a free drink and shot for dressing as britney spears at dada last night. Thanks juan.wintery yum yums
these were sent from friends via the Internet. I like swapping recipes, and got some fantastic ideas for my next big meals and dinner parties. Thanks all who helped contribute. There were a lot of you and from everywhere around the world too . amazing. I want to make a recipe book and call it "camille's yum yums" can you imagine my grandchildren reading it, "oh look at grandmothers book of yum yums". I hope they have English accents.
here are just a few, enjoy!
African Peanut Soup
INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 medium onions, chopped
2 large red bell peppers, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes, with liquid
8 cups vegetable broth or stock
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon chili powder (optional)
2/3 cup extra crunchy peanut butter
1/2 cup uncooked brown rice
DIRECTIONS
Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium high heat. Cook onions and bell peppers until lightly browned and tender, stirring in garlic when almost done to prevent burning. Stir in tomatoes, vegetable stock, pepper, and chili powder. Reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for 30 minutes.
Stir in rice, cover, and simmer another fifteen minutes or until rice is tender. Stir in peanut butter until well blended, and serve.
secret brownie recipe (available upon request)
wintery nipple
1.Select size of glass to fit mood. Happy = big glass. Sad = bigger glass.
2. Mix 1/2 Butterscotch Schnapps with 1/2 Bailey's Irish Creme.
3. Drink outside in snow or inside with freezer door open.
Sweet Potato and Chickpea Soup
2 tablespoons sesame seeds
2 pints stock
juice of 1 lime
1-2 garlic cloves crushed
1 onion chopped
12oz sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
15oz can chickpeas, drained and rinsedsalt and pepper
1. Put the sesame seeds into a large pan, heat gently, stirring for 30-60 seconds.
2. Add ½ a pint of the stock, ½ of the lime juice, the garlic and onion, cover and simmer for 5-7 mins, then uncover and simmer until the onions are tender.
3. Add the sweet potato and stir. Add remaining stock, simmer partially covered for 15 mins or until the potatoes are almost tender.
4. Stir in the chickpeas and remaining lime juice, then season. Simmer partially covered for 10 mins.
5. Cool and puree until smooth, then reheat.
French Onion Soup
5 1/4 cups vegetable broth, divided
4 onions, sliced
1/8 teaspoon white sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 cup dry white wine
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon ground thyme
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 tablespoon brandy
4 slices French bread, toasted
1 clove garlic, halved
2 tablespoons grated fat-free Parmesan cheese
DIRECTIONS
In a large non-stick saucepan, heat 1/4 cup vegetable broth. Stir in the onion and cook over medium heat until golden, 15 minutes.
Stir in the sugar and flour. Pour in the remaining 5 cups vegetable broth and the wine. Stir in the bay leaf, thyme and black pepper. Bring to a boil and let boil 8 minutes, stirring constantly; then reduce heat, partly cover, and simmer 30 minutes.
Preheat oven broiler.
Remove from heat, remove bay leaf and stir in brandy. Rub garlic clove over toast. Ladle the soup into 4 ovenproof bowls and float a piece of toast on top of each bowl. Sprinkle with the Parmesan.
Place bowls under broiler until cheese melts.
Vegetarian Jambalaya
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped green pepper
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon olive oil
3 cups chopped fresh tomatoes
2 cups water
1 cup uncooked long grain rice
2 tablespoons reduced-sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/8 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon pepper
6 tablespoons reduced fat sour cream
In a large nonstick skillet, saute the onion, celery, green pepper, mushrooms and garlic in oil until tender. Stir in the tomatoes, water, rice, soy sauce, parsley, salt, paprika, cayenne, chili powder and pepper.
Transfer to a 2-1/2-qt. baking dish coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and bake at 350 degrees F for 65-70 minutes or until rice is tender and liquid is absorbed. Top each serving with 1 tablespoon sour cream.
here are just a few, enjoy!
African Peanut Soup
INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 medium onions, chopped
2 large red bell peppers, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes, with liquid
8 cups vegetable broth or stock
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon chili powder (optional)
2/3 cup extra crunchy peanut butter
1/2 cup uncooked brown rice
DIRECTIONS
Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium high heat. Cook onions and bell peppers until lightly browned and tender, stirring in garlic when almost done to prevent burning. Stir in tomatoes, vegetable stock, pepper, and chili powder. Reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for 30 minutes.
Stir in rice, cover, and simmer another fifteen minutes or until rice is tender. Stir in peanut butter until well blended, and serve.
secret brownie recipe (available upon request)
wintery nipple
1.Select size of glass to fit mood. Happy = big glass. Sad = bigger glass.
2. Mix 1/2 Butterscotch Schnapps with 1/2 Bailey's Irish Creme.
3. Drink outside in snow or inside with freezer door open.
Sweet Potato and Chickpea Soup
2 tablespoons sesame seeds
2 pints stock
juice of 1 lime
1-2 garlic cloves crushed
1 onion chopped
12oz sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
15oz can chickpeas, drained and rinsedsalt and pepper
1. Put the sesame seeds into a large pan, heat gently, stirring for 30-60 seconds.
2. Add ½ a pint of the stock, ½ of the lime juice, the garlic and onion, cover and simmer for 5-7 mins, then uncover and simmer until the onions are tender.
3. Add the sweet potato and stir. Add remaining stock, simmer partially covered for 15 mins or until the potatoes are almost tender.
4. Stir in the chickpeas and remaining lime juice, then season. Simmer partially covered for 10 mins.
5. Cool and puree until smooth, then reheat.
French Onion Soup
5 1/4 cups vegetable broth, divided
4 onions, sliced
1/8 teaspoon white sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 cup dry white wine
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon ground thyme
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 tablespoon brandy
4 slices French bread, toasted
1 clove garlic, halved
2 tablespoons grated fat-free Parmesan cheese
DIRECTIONS
In a large non-stick saucepan, heat 1/4 cup vegetable broth. Stir in the onion and cook over medium heat until golden, 15 minutes.
Stir in the sugar and flour. Pour in the remaining 5 cups vegetable broth and the wine. Stir in the bay leaf, thyme and black pepper. Bring to a boil and let boil 8 minutes, stirring constantly; then reduce heat, partly cover, and simmer 30 minutes.
Preheat oven broiler.
Remove from heat, remove bay leaf and stir in brandy. Rub garlic clove over toast. Ladle the soup into 4 ovenproof bowls and float a piece of toast on top of each bowl. Sprinkle with the Parmesan.
Place bowls under broiler until cheese melts.
Vegetarian Jambalaya
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped green pepper
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon olive oil
3 cups chopped fresh tomatoes
2 cups water
1 cup uncooked long grain rice
2 tablespoons reduced-sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/8 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon pepper
6 tablespoons reduced fat sour cream
In a large nonstick skillet, saute the onion, celery, green pepper, mushrooms and garlic in oil until tender. Stir in the tomatoes, water, rice, soy sauce, parsley, salt, paprika, cayenne, chili powder and pepper.
Transfer to a 2-1/2-qt. baking dish coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and bake at 350 degrees F for 65-70 minutes or until rice is tender and liquid is absorbed. Top each serving with 1 tablespoon sour cream.
bad bad girl....
so i step on the scale every so often.. it's sooo stupid to care about such things..
but anyways, I've lost more weight than i expected after my quitting dr. peppers. I'm so worried I'm going to gain it all back due to the quitting smoking thing. I think it actually has nothing to do the quitting the ciggs. I just eat and drink what i want with no consequence. cappuccinos, pasta, cheese, and yes the evil dr. pepper has crept back into my life somehow.
I gotsta stop.
and i will.
back to being good.
i need to walk a little more and drink more water.
Oh last night was cute. Dada. beard Michael working the door. I met a beautiful singer who excited me about seeing live music again. The night life thing is not my thing though. I'm not at my best sloppy slurry drunk and trying to maintain decent conversations. It ends up being a drag and i hidein someones coat, and just proves my theory that there's nothing good that can possibly go on past 2am. Well maybe, it just depends what you're looking for.
I'm really looking forward to carving pumpkins with eric. We are even gonna make a pie!
but anyways, I've lost more weight than i expected after my quitting dr. peppers. I'm so worried I'm going to gain it all back due to the quitting smoking thing. I think it actually has nothing to do the quitting the ciggs. I just eat and drink what i want with no consequence. cappuccinos, pasta, cheese, and yes the evil dr. pepper has crept back into my life somehow.
I gotsta stop.
and i will.
back to being good.
i need to walk a little more and drink more water.
Oh last night was cute. Dada. beard Michael working the door. I met a beautiful singer who excited me about seeing live music again. The night life thing is not my thing though. I'm not at my best sloppy slurry drunk and trying to maintain decent conversations. It ends up being a drag and i hidein someones coat, and just proves my theory that there's nothing good that can possibly go on past 2am. Well maybe, it just depends what you're looking for.
I'm really looking forward to carving pumpkins with eric. We are even gonna make a pie!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
damn you love.
I love it, but it's everywhere. sometimes i worry i'm tripping over it.
I told Eric that with this weather it should be mandatory that he cuddle up with me every night.
These nights are cold and perfect to be curled up and nestled in bed like a "warm cinnamon roll" with someone. preferably not just anyone... but that special someone. In my case i'm a lucky bastardo because i have it, and it's not going anywhere.
I told Eric that with this weather it should be mandatory that he cuddle up with me every night.
These nights are cold and perfect to be curled up and nestled in bed like a "warm cinnamon roll" with someone. preferably not just anyone... but that special someone. In my case i'm a lucky bastardo because i have it, and it's not going anywhere.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
cheer up charlie. i just need bed.
i always want to be doing more. I keep my body moving all the time as to seem productive... but am I really doing anything worthwhile? That's my biggest question to myself.
I'm not doing enough/ enough what you might ask? Well, hell i don't know. I need to find what "enough" is. Nothing seems good enough for me anyways, i might even return enough if i found it.
I think it's moving forward. it's hard to everyday, week, month, year to out do yourself. I feel if I ever take steps back or regress at all that i'm not right, and something is wrong.
I just know i can be so much better. The funny thing is it's not a competition with you, or the hot chick at the drive thru. (haha) it's against myself. Screw her. I could care less about her, because i'm realistic enough to know it's me i'm living with. it's about me dammit. selfish yes. I just know I could be really awesome, and I wish I cared enough to make a move on that instead of just complain.
I'm not doing enough/ enough what you might ask? Well, hell i don't know. I need to find what "enough" is. Nothing seems good enough for me anyways, i might even return enough if i found it.
I think it's moving forward. it's hard to everyday, week, month, year to out do yourself. I feel if I ever take steps back or regress at all that i'm not right, and something is wrong.
I just know i can be so much better. The funny thing is it's not a competition with you, or the hot chick at the drive thru. (haha) it's against myself. Screw her. I could care less about her, because i'm realistic enough to know it's me i'm living with. it's about me dammit. selfish yes. I just know I could be really awesome, and I wish I cared enough to make a move on that instead of just complain.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
people are really
so fragile. take care of yourself will you? Like right now.... take care of the YOU now for your future self.... so those around you don't have to go through this.
It hurts us all.
It hurts us all.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
crickets
Every time i shoo or kick a cricket out of the house, or sweep one up at work, i have this annoying habit to yell "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over repeatedly until the insect has left my sight. sometimes it's 4 times, sometimes it's minutes long.
it's hilarious.
i hear one chirping now. I'm going to save the energy and keep it here inside.
other news/facts/wants/screams:
I love eatzi's/
I want to revisit Italy. Mi piace molte!!
Love food.... especially food in Italy.
Iget easily frustrated and intimidated with the amount of "everything" that the world has to offer.
I want to experience so much and feel like i do more talking and dreaming that actually doing.
I'm really happy. I really really am.
I love not smoking.
The holidays really turn me around, and this season makes me melt.
can't wait for tofurky. (more food)
I want my hair to grow long again
school. grrr. getting started is rubik cube difficulty
PUMPKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's hilarious.
i hear one chirping now. I'm going to save the energy and keep it here inside.
other news/facts/wants/screams:
I love eatzi's/
I want to revisit Italy. Mi piace molte!!
Love food.... especially food in Italy.
Iget easily frustrated and intimidated with the amount of "everything" that the world has to offer.
I want to experience so much and feel like i do more talking and dreaming that actually doing.
I'm really happy. I really really am.
I love not smoking.
The holidays really turn me around, and this season makes me melt.
can't wait for tofurky. (more food)
I want my hair to grow long again
school. grrr. getting started is rubik cube difficulty
PUMPKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
control this
it appears that i'm a sap, a blow fish if you will.
I'm getting all choked up and crying while watching discovery health "triplets and quints". The show actually takes you inside the labor room and you watch the parents as they see their children for the first time. Watching the couple crying and the husband comforting the wife was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.. It's scary as hell, childbirth. And not only is it a frightening physical experience there's also the aftermath. Is the child healthy? In the case of these, are the triplets are breathing? My god! Watching the husband so powerless and vulnerable really did me in. Men always (usually, typically.... imo)seem androidy when it comes to emotion. I love seeing men expressing feelings freely without embarrassment. (hahah i know androidy is not a word, silly).
Once the babies arrived he was crying hysterically happy tears , they both were, and that's when i caved. The parents are so happy and this is everything for them in that moment, and all the real happiness that exists is in that moment. so much promise for the future. ...the excitement of unknown and what you want to be...or what you've imagined your children to be... and then....
fast forward to the terrible twos and you wonder why you signed up for this. (ha, I'm only kidding)
it's weird for me, because I'm in no position to think about children. There is the desire and urge almost overpowering that creeps in my head. It's really hard to accept, and it's happened more this year. I'm not afraid to think of that as much.. maybe it's because I'm in an real relationship, and that's a real possibility versus being single where that idea would seem really unlikely. There's almost an innate knowledge if i had to be a mother. This is odd because I'm hesitant to do almost anything but i know this would be easy.
It's alarming, the power is bigger than me. Maybe i can't really help it because it's just the nature of being a woman... Similar to barbaric urges men "can't control". Maybe that's it. It would be a shame to think like that. We are put on this world for one reason . That is the natural and normal path to go and everything else is steering away from our purpose.
To have sex and produce offspring.
grrr. NO
i just want to know why.
I don't succumb to pressure. "everyone else is doing it" so that can't be it.
Why do i desire this? That's the real question. Maybe I'm silly for not allowing me to enjoy the "what if's".
i wish (love) to be control of what floats in and out of my mind. This new idea that's hammering in my head definitely didn't knock.
I'm getting all choked up and crying while watching discovery health "triplets and quints". The show actually takes you inside the labor room and you watch the parents as they see their children for the first time. Watching the couple crying and the husband comforting the wife was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.. It's scary as hell, childbirth. And not only is it a frightening physical experience there's also the aftermath. Is the child healthy? In the case of these, are the triplets are breathing? My god! Watching the husband so powerless and vulnerable really did me in. Men always (usually, typically.... imo)seem androidy when it comes to emotion. I love seeing men expressing feelings freely without embarrassment. (hahah i know androidy is not a word, silly).
Once the babies arrived he was crying hysterically happy tears , they both were, and that's when i caved. The parents are so happy and this is everything for them in that moment, and all the real happiness that exists is in that moment. so much promise for the future. ...the excitement of unknown and what you want to be...or what you've imagined your children to be... and then....
fast forward to the terrible twos and you wonder why you signed up for this. (ha, I'm only kidding)
it's weird for me, because I'm in no position to think about children. There is the desire and urge almost overpowering that creeps in my head. It's really hard to accept, and it's happened more this year. I'm not afraid to think of that as much.. maybe it's because I'm in an real relationship, and that's a real possibility versus being single where that idea would seem really unlikely. There's almost an innate knowledge if i had to be a mother. This is odd because I'm hesitant to do almost anything but i know this would be easy.
It's alarming, the power is bigger than me. Maybe i can't really help it because it's just the nature of being a woman... Similar to barbaric urges men "can't control". Maybe that's it. It would be a shame to think like that. We are put on this world for one reason . That is the natural and normal path to go and everything else is steering away from our purpose.
To have sex and produce offspring.
grrr. NO
i just want to know why.
I don't succumb to pressure. "everyone else is doing it" so that can't be it.
Why do i desire this? That's the real question. Maybe I'm silly for not allowing me to enjoy the "what if's".
i wish (love) to be control of what floats in and out of my mind. This new idea that's hammering in my head definitely didn't knock.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
fall is my favorite season
I love October!! I love love love it!
This morning on my way to work.... 3:45 am. It was almost chilly out.
On my way home 11am, it smelled like fall, and the warm sun smiled just enough to make the cold breezes hush a little.
It's my ideal weather.
I can't wait to carve a pumpkin.
I have nothing terrible to say. Is that bad?
mini-bad news.
I did a clip in the hopes it would air on showtime, but didn't get picked up. Kinda sad because it was good monies, however i'm first pick for another one.
Good news though.
A film i hosted about deep ellum was given a lot of positive praise and comments in a meeting last night. They finished editing the piece last week and are going forward with it. (who knows what this means) Fishing for Comets is pretty much the soundtrack too. It was such a sweet surprise to hear all the good remarks and i know I'm getting a nice cushy compensation too.
I got offered a radio spot for a Starbucks commercial. Weeks ago I sent in a video with a song and dance so to speak. I thought nothing of it until I got call last week. They were thrilled to see my ditty and about having my sing a jingle promoting a winter drink. I am the only one in Texas that was selected so they are flying out here just for me. The cool thing is I get to have my good friends play beside me! Curious to see how this all pans out. Again another nice push toward paying my credit card.
Another voice over track was offered to me today!!
NOTE TO YOU! don't be afraid to go for it. (whatever that is)
the best part is, these offers were just through word of mouth, effortlessly putting myself out there and seeing what happens. It's such a wise idea to say "screw what everyone thinks". Be brave, and don't be afraid if you suck. The worst thing that could happen is someone doesn't like it, or they say no. Or if it's for no one other then for yourself then you are the only judge, and hey you don't count. haha
It doesn't seem like that much to lose in the big picture. Not enough to keep you from at least trying. If you don't then you will be laying in a big pile of regret shit... and i don't want to deal with it.
Again i'm so excited to be in this month.
it's going to be charming, i can tell.
love,
Camille
This morning on my way to work.... 3:45 am. It was almost chilly out.
On my way home 11am, it smelled like fall, and the warm sun smiled just enough to make the cold breezes hush a little.
It's my ideal weather.
I can't wait to carve a pumpkin.
I have nothing terrible to say. Is that bad?
mini-bad news.
I did a clip in the hopes it would air on showtime, but didn't get picked up. Kinda sad because it was good monies, however i'm first pick for another one.
Good news though.
A film i hosted about deep ellum was given a lot of positive praise and comments in a meeting last night. They finished editing the piece last week and are going forward with it. (who knows what this means) Fishing for Comets is pretty much the soundtrack too. It was such a sweet surprise to hear all the good remarks and i know I'm getting a nice cushy compensation too.
I got offered a radio spot for a Starbucks commercial. Weeks ago I sent in a video with a song and dance so to speak. I thought nothing of it until I got call last week. They were thrilled to see my ditty and about having my sing a jingle promoting a winter drink. I am the only one in Texas that was selected so they are flying out here just for me. The cool thing is I get to have my good friends play beside me! Curious to see how this all pans out. Again another nice push toward paying my credit card.
Another voice over track was offered to me today!!
NOTE TO YOU! don't be afraid to go for it. (whatever that is)
the best part is, these offers were just through word of mouth, effortlessly putting myself out there and seeing what happens. It's such a wise idea to say "screw what everyone thinks". Be brave, and don't be afraid if you suck. The worst thing that could happen is someone doesn't like it, or they say no. Or if it's for no one other then for yourself then you are the only judge, and hey you don't count. haha
It doesn't seem like that much to lose in the big picture. Not enough to keep you from at least trying. If you don't then you will be laying in a big pile of regret shit... and i don't want to deal with it.
Again i'm so excited to be in this month.
it's going to be charming, i can tell.
love,
Camille
Monday, October 8, 2007
i made it.
i got accepted to TWU! It wasn't that difficult but still was exciting to open the letter last night.
Now i just need to move my feetsies, though i'm not ready. I have to make an appointment with an advisor and map out the next steps. the scariest part is going to be see how many of my college hours don't transfer. It will be like starting all over, ah such is life.
my weeked was adorable, I got an entire weekend with Eric, laughed way to much and ate awesome food.
Thank god for Ron Muek. his work is breathtaking, and i'm so happy i was able to see it in person. and for free! HA!
not ready to start this week. take me back!!!!!
oxoxoxo
Now i just need to move my feetsies, though i'm not ready. I have to make an appointment with an advisor and map out the next steps. the scariest part is going to be see how many of my college hours don't transfer. It will be like starting all over, ah such is life.
my weeked was adorable, I got an entire weekend with Eric, laughed way to much and ate awesome food.
Thank god for Ron Muek. his work is breathtaking, and i'm so happy i was able to see it in person. and for free! HA!
not ready to start this week. take me back!!!!!
oxoxoxo
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday party.
7pm
David Juritz is playing tonight. A virtuoso violinist. He's travelling around the world playing Bach to raise money for Musequality, a charity which supports musical education for the poorest children in developing world. this is cool i suppose
I'm the concierge for the community and during this event. But I'm not working for them. I'm paid to let them in and lock up behind ....they don't know this? it's so important for everyone to know my name so that they can ask me to do things, it's my job to be bossed around. I work in a high class community where people have nannies with a built in apt. for them. All the children i've met all have mental issues. i'm just in shock.
Yesterday a lady had a party for her 4 year old with autism, actually recently diagnosed with Aspergers . This kid had no clue what was involved. This party would make a wedding reception "just an event, like just doin laundry". There was a DJ, band, full on life guard, catered food, butlers of sorts waiting on the guests and children. The assistant Veronica called the little boy "my boss". Tonight, I just overheard another parent discussing the different medications her son is taking. Everyone has a servant. Or a maid,ummm personal assistant is the political term i believe. One of these pink ladies is actually cool. It's not condescending i think she's really trying to speak Spanish to the maid. It just seems so trite. the one "si" over and over.
Tonight, I'm being bossed around without even introduction. "Will you at least introduce yourself before you order me around"? The same lady that's requesting impossible curtain arranging without a smile is the same lady that said to a friend "did you think that was a different Mercedes honking at you on the road, you know what i drive" and is also the same lady that was having her heels fastened by her maid/.
I suppose if your job is to be someone's bitch, you can't complain. If the price is right? I mean you're then getting something out of it too. money, and usually a lot. I suppose we are all someones subordinate in one way or another. It's just hard for me to watch.
These are real people that exist. I just can't believe i'm so close to them right now.
i don't know if it's wrong or right.. but i'm out of touch, and have never felt so belittled and minuscule than i did tonight.
it's sick.
i wanna go home, where i can tie my own shoe and reach my own curtains
i want middle class back.
i'm quiting this job too.
7:40pm
awww. update. it's better. all the kids at the concert were being to hard to handle so they stuck them in the office with me watching cartoons. the best thing about tonight.
oops.. .
8pm
change of heart a little.
the wine and food is really good.
David Juritz is playing tonight. A virtuoso violinist. He's travelling around the world playing Bach to raise money for Musequality, a charity which supports musical education for the poorest children in developing world. this is cool i suppose
I'm the concierge for the community and during this event. But I'm not working for them. I'm paid to let them in and lock up behind ....they don't know this? it's so important for everyone to know my name so that they can ask me to do things, it's my job to be bossed around. I work in a high class community where people have nannies with a built in apt. for them. All the children i've met all have mental issues. i'm just in shock.
Yesterday a lady had a party for her 4 year old with autism, actually recently diagnosed with Aspergers . This kid had no clue what was involved. This party would make a wedding reception "just an event, like just doin laundry". There was a DJ, band, full on life guard, catered food, butlers of sorts waiting on the guests and children. The assistant Veronica called the little boy "my boss". Tonight, I just overheard another parent discussing the different medications her son is taking. Everyone has a servant. Or a maid,ummm personal assistant is the political term i believe. One of these pink ladies is actually cool. It's not condescending i think she's really trying to speak Spanish to the maid. It just seems so trite. the one "si" over and over.
Tonight, I'm being bossed around without even introduction. "Will you at least introduce yourself before you order me around"? The same lady that's requesting impossible curtain arranging without a smile is the same lady that said to a friend "did you think that was a different Mercedes honking at you on the road, you know what i drive" and is also the same lady that was having her heels fastened by her maid/.
I suppose if your job is to be someone's bitch, you can't complain. If the price is right? I mean you're then getting something out of it too. money, and usually a lot. I suppose we are all someones subordinate in one way or another. It's just hard for me to watch.
These are real people that exist. I just can't believe i'm so close to them right now.
i don't know if it's wrong or right.. but i'm out of touch, and have never felt so belittled and minuscule than i did tonight.
it's sick.
i wanna go home, where i can tie my own shoe and reach my own curtains
i want middle class back.
i'm quiting this job too.
7:40pm
awww. update. it's better. all the kids at the concert were being to hard to handle so they stuck them in the office with me watching cartoons. the best thing about tonight.
oops.. .
8pm
change of heart a little.
the wine and food is really good.
i'm not over it.
I'm in a good place. there are really no bad things in my life. stresses and tiny mini-dramas, but life is good and I'm blessed to be here writing this, eating salt and vinegar chips and recounting the past hysterical/delirious moments and laughs that eric and i had this weekend. i love him.
but there's always something.
i have little bitches and things that eerk me.
and it's up to me to blow them off or consume me. but since i have no real hardcore problems, i tend to blow the little ones up.
like those horrible tiny water balloons that aren't really meant to be filled with air and are hell to blow up.... and when you do they pop abruptly in your face. ya know? or am i the only lucky one?
i jsut need to release some grrr's in me.
ugly lady that was mean to me after hitting my parked car,
you have made my life a living hell lady that hit my car.
shit happens. i suppose i need to learn to just roll with it.
i realize this kinda stuff is a must in life.
It wouldn't make the good times good ya know?
I'm spoiled, i know i can't always get my way. Bob ross always told me it was my world though.
i just want my deductible back.
then my bank account wouldn't feel so naked.
and then i would calm the fuck down.
stupid jobs, what are you here for?
I'm just trying to earn some money. it's not like i really love you.
you will allow me to do the things i need to do. ...but it's coming with a price.
I suppose i could make some easy money doing god knows what, but unfortunately i have morals, and care to much about myself and those around me. So i have honest work. and great insurance and free coffee, those are goods i need. I'm cutting my other job though.. grrr.
I can also make money honestly doing things i love. music is a must. i need to analyze that more.
I've been unable to have a real day off for a while. But i think i'm just accepting of it now, and don't realize how helpful it could be. almost a zombie, almost.
I'm a mess, and I'm messing on everyone i love.
that's a waste. I know what it's like to be happy, and I'm going to get it back.
hmm what else is making me Grrrr right now.
Cell phones.
grrr i'm not the only one. people have mentioned this i'm sure.
It makes me sad when people are have that piece inside their ear. Why do you do that? does it hurt? I wonder it makes ear wax build up more... or it there are dangers having a person talk that deeply inside your ear canal? Be careful.
it makes me more irate when people order at the drive thru while talking on the phone, and treat the person serving them like an interruption when they are the one doing you a favor by taking your order. It's senseless... stop talking on the phone take care of your business and have your money ready at the window damn you.
i love the phone though. it's 2nd best when you can't communitcate with someone in person, or if your unable to see your lover for the week and that's all you have. i suppose i'll take that.
however
I want to close my eyes and go back to the way we were before cell phones, was it more peaceful? Maybe we are to afraid to be alone now, so we have that constant human connection wherever we go. in the drive through, on the toilet, working out, while out with another friend. What's the urgency, and why does it seem like we all have it now? I'm jealous of those that are cellphone-less or use it simply as a tool to assist with making plans etc.
Smoking.
god, i hate smoking. I'm actually okay without it.
I hate that it still wants me to want it... it's a mental deal i assume. Last night i broke just to have a smoke.... and the pressure from people was terrible and more than that it was pressure i created fearing I'd disappoint someone. Regardless it made the drag seem tasteless. I would have probably been better off without it. BUT in my head i gave that cigarette a world of power.
lame.
i would have eaten skittles, but my jaw's been hurting lately.
and another thing. the JAW
my dumb jaw. It's broken and doesn't work properly. i've had this since i was in braces. I really wish i wore my headgear when i was little. Maybe this wouldn't be happening. (i actually liked braces and the pain of my teeth shifting, sick huh?)
I sat and broke my retainer at an early age, and i really believe that is what's causing all of my little issues up to date.
this is cute. this blog.
but there's always something.
i have little bitches and things that eerk me.
and it's up to me to blow them off or consume me. but since i have no real hardcore problems, i tend to blow the little ones up.
like those horrible tiny water balloons that aren't really meant to be filled with air and are hell to blow up.... and when you do they pop abruptly in your face. ya know? or am i the only lucky one?
i jsut need to release some grrr's in me.
ugly lady that was mean to me after hitting my parked car,
you have made my life a living hell lady that hit my car.
shit happens. i suppose i need to learn to just roll with it.
i realize this kinda stuff is a must in life.
It wouldn't make the good times good ya know?
I'm spoiled, i know i can't always get my way. Bob ross always told me it was my world though.
i just want my deductible back.
then my bank account wouldn't feel so naked.
and then i would calm the fuck down.
stupid jobs, what are you here for?
I'm just trying to earn some money. it's not like i really love you.
you will allow me to do the things i need to do. ...but it's coming with a price.
I suppose i could make some easy money doing god knows what, but unfortunately i have morals, and care to much about myself and those around me. So i have honest work. and great insurance and free coffee, those are goods i need. I'm cutting my other job though.. grrr.
I can also make money honestly doing things i love. music is a must. i need to analyze that more.
I've been unable to have a real day off for a while. But i think i'm just accepting of it now, and don't realize how helpful it could be. almost a zombie, almost.
I'm a mess, and I'm messing on everyone i love.
that's a waste. I know what it's like to be happy, and I'm going to get it back.
hmm what else is making me Grrrr right now.
Cell phones.
grrr i'm not the only one. people have mentioned this i'm sure.
It makes me sad when people are have that piece inside their ear. Why do you do that? does it hurt? I wonder it makes ear wax build up more... or it there are dangers having a person talk that deeply inside your ear canal? Be careful.
it makes me more irate when people order at the drive thru while talking on the phone, and treat the person serving them like an interruption when they are the one doing you a favor by taking your order. It's senseless... stop talking on the phone take care of your business and have your money ready at the window damn you.
i love the phone though. it's 2nd best when you can't communitcate with someone in person, or if your unable to see your lover for the week and that's all you have. i suppose i'll take that.
however
I want to close my eyes and go back to the way we were before cell phones, was it more peaceful? Maybe we are to afraid to be alone now, so we have that constant human connection wherever we go. in the drive through, on the toilet, working out, while out with another friend. What's the urgency, and why does it seem like we all have it now? I'm jealous of those that are cellphone-less or use it simply as a tool to assist with making plans etc.
Smoking.
god, i hate smoking. I'm actually okay without it.
I hate that it still wants me to want it... it's a mental deal i assume. Last night i broke just to have a smoke.... and the pressure from people was terrible and more than that it was pressure i created fearing I'd disappoint someone. Regardless it made the drag seem tasteless. I would have probably been better off without it. BUT in my head i gave that cigarette a world of power.
lame.
i would have eaten skittles, but my jaw's been hurting lately.
and another thing. the JAW
my dumb jaw. It's broken and doesn't work properly. i've had this since i was in braces. I really wish i wore my headgear when i was little. Maybe this wouldn't be happening. (i actually liked braces and the pain of my teeth shifting, sick huh?)
I sat and broke my retainer at an early age, and i really believe that is what's causing all of my little issues up to date.
this is cute. this blog.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
i love wine.
it makes me feel like a marshmellow when i get buzzed. there's something great about the smell, the warmth when it goes down, and the drunk it gets you.
I love it so much that sometimes i get a little sloppy. so sloppy that i puke at nights end.
Last night was awesome.
I talked to so many people, spilled nonsense out of my mouth, danced like a fool, did a hurky in a bar, and managed to ruin my evening with 25 dollars of booze in the toliet.
dummy.
but that's the way i roll.
i should have learned a very valuable lesson.
it makes me feel like a marshmellow when i get buzzed. there's something great about the smell, the warmth when it goes down, and the drunk it gets you.
I love it so much that sometimes i get a little sloppy. so sloppy that i puke at nights end.
Last night was awesome.
I talked to so many people, spilled nonsense out of my mouth, danced like a fool, did a hurky in a bar, and managed to ruin my evening with 25 dollars of booze in the toliet.
dummy.
but that's the way i roll.
i should have learned a very valuable lesson.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
they say it's because i'm sweet.....but really
why do bugs attack me? It never fails when i'm outside, i win bug bites all over my body.
I wonder what makes some people more bug prone that others. whats the deal?
i hope there's an answer out there.
google.. here i come.
well not now, but soon.
I wonder what makes some people more bug prone that others. whats the deal?
i hope there's an answer out there.
google.. here i come.
well not now, but soon.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
quote of the day
"you're life is moving one way, and that's six feet under"
-this was a supposed to be a quote of encouragement from a friend. I find that to be charming.
-this was a supposed to be a quote of encouragement from a friend. I find that to be charming.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
what am i becoming?
I'm a different person. I'm learning to detach myself from those habits which i was so comfortable with but could damage me too. It's amazing how little we really need. I don't even think I realize this. I suppose it's different for everyone, but I'm starting to see it. Bottom line... moderation is what i believe to be key, and you can't assume every human has a knack for that.
goal for me, is to be a healthy person.
I've never considered myself greedy or insatiable. Maybe I am. I just want to be for the right things.
The past year I've lost parts of me that i never thought about losing, but can now see my life without.
Eric is vegetarian. Although I've never considered myself a hardcore meat eater, I've unconsciously taken meat out of my diet. I'm eating I'd say 80% less meat than I used to. The 20% is usually on a Eric-less day and i just couldn't make anything clever, or had a naughty craving for fast food. Usually Chick-fil-A. I don't really even want to be vegetarian. It's more out of habit. I wouldn't mind being vegetarian though. I can deal. Meat isn't that important to me. I'm passionate about other things, and can live without some. Meat is something i can live without. Just don't take ketchup away... or papas fritas. We made vegetarian pitas the other day, and my old self would have placed at least 3 pieces of ham/turkey on it out of habit. I just shared a slice with Fischer and put the half in my sandwich. As i ate my delectable sangwich I thought, "this would be so much better without the meat... it didn't do a damn bit of good putting that in here". I know it would be easy for me to avoid meat that's all. don't know what that means. Just saying.
I worry about being a vegetarian. I guess i can research more and find out good meat replacements and nutrient wise what i need in my diet. I just worry I'll gain weight believe it or not. You know how many meals you can use potatoes with? MY GOD!
I also hate the politics of vegetarianism. There are people that practice vegetarianism and don't bother anyone, and those who turn it into a recruiting game, or a new fashion that is just "SOooooooo" in right now. I hate that with anything people are ready to point the finger and try to break you. There is that funny unsupportive side of humans that creeps out. But you see I'm guilty. I love doing that to people. I'm constantly on the defense when i see a devoted hardcore evangelical christian use the lords name in vain, or cheat on his wife with my best friend. It's great to point the finger because they are making such a big forceful deal about a belief that they can't even see through. It's brilliant. My favorite is the vegan that eats honey. Please. .
but see I'm guilty too. I'm trying to be a tree hugger at work. I've started a recycle program at work, but like to throw cigarette buds out windows. So half assed.
Can't blame people for trying. I mean they are just trying to practice a lifestyle they believe is real and right and thankfully legal. This is what they are striving to live by and sometimes you fall short. I think that's okay. At least you are standing up for something you believe and doing what you can everyday to make an impact. I just don't like the labels. Because it binds you in and if you break there is hell to pay. It gets complicated. To much to even write.
I think it's with anything extreme. There should be a disclaimer. Or when you decide to eat honey wear your "vegan day off" button. So people don't get the wrong idea.
But thank god for environmentalists, animal activists, vegetarians, vegans and Religious fanatics. Anyone with a compassionate passion makes me excited. Even if it's a passion i don't prefer. I guess it's open to interpretation what compassion means to each individual. I'd like to rephrase to suit me.
I'm not referring to any destructive or malicious passion that maybe koresh, dahmer, or hitler would approve.
I quit drinking Dr Pepper. - 3 MONTHS
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
a 2 liter in a day. EVERYDAY. No lie.
with the exception of a few glasses here and there, I've been sober since July.
I quit smoking - 4 DAYS
I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND.
My dad's one birthday wish
"I'd like us as a family to quit smoking".
I laughed and then got pissed. He has more reason to quit than any of us. a smoking diabetic is a death sentence.... He's actually quit, so has my sister.... why the hell am i doing it anyways? So i got a little upset and then told Eric about it. he began: "you know i was thinking what i wanted from you for Christmas"..... oh god...."all i could think of was how i wanted you to quit smoking". Are you serious? This is beginning to feel like an after school special.
sweet Jesus.
Please keep in mind that this is coming from the 2 important men in my life. I'm not really pissed, I'm just upset.. i feel like I've been called out. Why is the one thing they wish for the one thing i feel is mine. This is my one vice. Let me have it. Eric's reasons are a little self centered. rightfully so... It must be atrocious kissing a smoker. As a child I remember the smell, oh how embarrassed i was when others kids smelled the smoke on me. "EEEEEEEeeew your clothes stink, you smell like an ashtray...blah blah.. insert dumb punky kid jabber here.....". It's hard to go back to that time and regain that distaste for it. But i know that's the way non-smokers feel. And like he said, i don't want to damage my precious beautiful freckly skin, or my voice for that matter. I suppose those are positive characteristics i have going! I just happened to choose the one addiction that could strip those away from me. I know it's more of a self-less wish on their part. I know my health is at risk, I know my family has a horrible health history as it is. i know i had heart surgery at 21 and who knows what this could do.
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say I'm a 7 in regards to heavy smoking. I love cigarettes, I love having them when I'm super hyper happy and especially when I'm nervous or eeyore depressed. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know the mechanics of it, or the science behind it, but it made me feel better. It is like opposite day though.. because in actuality it's killing me, and it stinks.
This is really hard for me. I worry that I'll gain weight, and that I'll be a total bitch without them. It's to soon to act like I've conquered this. I'm sure I'll have one again. I'm just trying to do without day by day.
THE PAY OFF
these are habits i had invented for myself for years. The meat thing my entire life. It's not so bad to do without.
I'm trying to keep positive and just replace those habits with others that may benefit and prolong my life
goal for me, is to be a healthy person.
I've never considered myself greedy or insatiable. Maybe I am. I just want to be for the right things.
The past year I've lost parts of me that i never thought about losing, but can now see my life without.
Eric is vegetarian. Although I've never considered myself a hardcore meat eater, I've unconsciously taken meat out of my diet. I'm eating I'd say 80% less meat than I used to. The 20% is usually on a Eric-less day and i just couldn't make anything clever, or had a naughty craving for fast food. Usually Chick-fil-A. I don't really even want to be vegetarian. It's more out of habit. I wouldn't mind being vegetarian though. I can deal. Meat isn't that important to me. I'm passionate about other things, and can live without some. Meat is something i can live without. Just don't take ketchup away... or papas fritas. We made vegetarian pitas the other day, and my old self would have placed at least 3 pieces of ham/turkey on it out of habit. I just shared a slice with Fischer and put the half in my sandwich. As i ate my delectable sangwich I thought, "this would be so much better without the meat... it didn't do a damn bit of good putting that in here". I know it would be easy for me to avoid meat that's all. don't know what that means. Just saying.
I worry about being a vegetarian. I guess i can research more and find out good meat replacements and nutrient wise what i need in my diet. I just worry I'll gain weight believe it or not. You know how many meals you can use potatoes with? MY GOD!
I also hate the politics of vegetarianism. There are people that practice vegetarianism and don't bother anyone, and those who turn it into a recruiting game, or a new fashion that is just "SOooooooo" in right now. I hate that with anything people are ready to point the finger and try to break you. There is that funny unsupportive side of humans that creeps out. But you see I'm guilty. I love doing that to people. I'm constantly on the defense when i see a devoted hardcore evangelical christian use the lords name in vain, or cheat on his wife with my best friend. It's great to point the finger because they are making such a big forceful deal about a belief that they can't even see through. It's brilliant. My favorite is the vegan that eats honey. Please. .
but see I'm guilty too. I'm trying to be a tree hugger at work. I've started a recycle program at work, but like to throw cigarette buds out windows. So half assed.
Can't blame people for trying. I mean they are just trying to practice a lifestyle they believe is real and right and thankfully legal. This is what they are striving to live by and sometimes you fall short. I think that's okay. At least you are standing up for something you believe and doing what you can everyday to make an impact. I just don't like the labels. Because it binds you in and if you break there is hell to pay. It gets complicated. To much to even write.
I think it's with anything extreme. There should be a disclaimer. Or when you decide to eat honey wear your "vegan day off" button. So people don't get the wrong idea.
But thank god for environmentalists, animal activists, vegetarians, vegans and Religious fanatics. Anyone with a compassionate passion makes me excited. Even if it's a passion i don't prefer. I guess it's open to interpretation what compassion means to each individual. I'd like to rephrase to suit me.
I'm not referring to any destructive or malicious passion that maybe koresh, dahmer, or hitler would approve.
I quit drinking Dr Pepper. - 3 MONTHS
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
a 2 liter in a day. EVERYDAY. No lie.
with the exception of a few glasses here and there, I've been sober since July.
I quit smoking - 4 DAYS
I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND.
My dad's one birthday wish
"I'd like us as a family to quit smoking".
I laughed and then got pissed. He has more reason to quit than any of us. a smoking diabetic is a death sentence.... He's actually quit, so has my sister.... why the hell am i doing it anyways? So i got a little upset and then told Eric about it. he began: "you know i was thinking what i wanted from you for Christmas"..... oh god...."all i could think of was how i wanted you to quit smoking". Are you serious? This is beginning to feel like an after school special.
sweet Jesus.
Please keep in mind that this is coming from the 2 important men in my life. I'm not really pissed, I'm just upset.. i feel like I've been called out. Why is the one thing they wish for the one thing i feel is mine. This is my one vice. Let me have it. Eric's reasons are a little self centered. rightfully so... It must be atrocious kissing a smoker. As a child I remember the smell, oh how embarrassed i was when others kids smelled the smoke on me. "EEEEEEEeeew your clothes stink, you smell like an ashtray...blah blah.. insert dumb punky kid jabber here.....". It's hard to go back to that time and regain that distaste for it. But i know that's the way non-smokers feel. And like he said, i don't want to damage my precious beautiful freckly skin, or my voice for that matter. I suppose those are positive characteristics i have going! I just happened to choose the one addiction that could strip those away from me. I know it's more of a self-less wish on their part. I know my health is at risk, I know my family has a horrible health history as it is. i know i had heart surgery at 21 and who knows what this could do.
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say I'm a 7 in regards to heavy smoking. I love cigarettes, I love having them when I'm super hyper happy and especially when I'm nervous or eeyore depressed. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know the mechanics of it, or the science behind it, but it made me feel better. It is like opposite day though.. because in actuality it's killing me, and it stinks.
This is really hard for me. I worry that I'll gain weight, and that I'll be a total bitch without them. It's to soon to act like I've conquered this. I'm sure I'll have one again. I'm just trying to do without day by day.
THE PAY OFF
yeah yeah, i realize the future"pay offs" I've seen what old smokers look like, i have heard Joni Mitchell's voice. It's hard to value those things when I'm living here and now and want to see instant results. Such a child, i know. I have yet to see full on positive results from these things. I think they are in little spurts. I really want to lose weight. I've dropped 5-8 pounds from my Dr. pepper less diet alone. Regarding smoking, i just want one NOW... but know i can't. It's this game for me. See who breaks first. Me or me. I've got little headaches that dance around my brain like there was a fiesta. My throat is more sore than when I was smoking, and I think i'm gassy. haha. it's soo true. now how can this be better? Maybe it's withdrawal, but to admit that is to admit that i have/had an addiction which i don't/didn't. denial is the first sign right? hee hee
these are habits i had invented for myself for years. The meat thing my entire life. It's not so bad to do without.
I'm trying to keep positive and just replace those habits with others that may benefit and prolong my life
in my head
terrible terrible dream.
I was in a huge auditorium filled to maximum capacity with metal stadium benches all up and down. The place was packed, People were there with their pets. It began like a game show where people would introduce themselves, name, hometown etc... then express what type of animal they had and what their current animal illness was. This was the place these animals were going to die. "I'm Kathy Goodson, i have three dogs. One is this black lab and she has cancer. She is currently being treated but probably won't have long". (probably) " The other two, well i just don't have the time or the funds to hold onto to them honestly. I figured this was the best place to take them". Now my dream led me to believe that once the ex-owners left the building, this area became a sort of gas chamber, or place that was set on fire, and then reopened for another use.
The entire "talk show" audience was like this. People with birds, cats, horses, snakes, Noah's reject ark. I didn't understand why this was going on, and why reality television had gotten to this holocaustic point. Somehow, (don't ask me how i became so brave) I began to protest down the aisle and began to rescue as many of these sick creatures as I could. All i remember is that I came home with bags of animals Some that were presumably dead and others making their way out of the garbage bags with wagging tails.
"See, these dogs are alive and well, what seems to be wrong with this one?", I said pointing to the cancer patient. The truth was that a lot was wrong, more than i could possibly know. She had leukemia and was on a chemo which is expensive for an uninsured lab. Had I really taken on this responsibility? What was I thinking? This seemed like the right thing to at the thought of them dying, but now I've got to much on my plate, and can hardly afford to take care of myself. How much can you really care, and what point to you have to focus on you and what you can control? The other animals became a concern now too. I had now adopted 4 dogs, 2 cats, a hamster and a bag of animal bones into my family. What the hell is a person to do?
i woke up feeling disgusted and sick. I just don't know why my head would make up something that disturbing and then feed it to me in a dream. Why can't i have the normal falling out of the sky dreams, teeth falling out, or maybe those "going to school" naked dreams that everyone talks about. Instead I have horror shows that are sometimes in black and white with credits at the end.
Makes no sense. I'm not that clever.
just thought about this. How cool would it be to dream dreams with a director in mind. Imagine always having one in the style or Woody Allen, or David Lynch. I would definitely be requesting a Hitchcock.
A person can dream can't they?
I was in a huge auditorium filled to maximum capacity with metal stadium benches all up and down. The place was packed, People were there with their pets. It began like a game show where people would introduce themselves, name, hometown etc... then express what type of animal they had and what their current animal illness was. This was the place these animals were going to die. "I'm Kathy Goodson, i have three dogs. One is this black lab and she has cancer. She is currently being treated but probably won't have long". (probably) " The other two, well i just don't have the time or the funds to hold onto to them honestly. I figured this was the best place to take them". Now my dream led me to believe that once the ex-owners left the building, this area became a sort of gas chamber, or place that was set on fire, and then reopened for another use.
The entire "talk show" audience was like this. People with birds, cats, horses, snakes, Noah's reject ark. I didn't understand why this was going on, and why reality television had gotten to this holocaustic point. Somehow, (don't ask me how i became so brave) I began to protest down the aisle and began to rescue as many of these sick creatures as I could. All i remember is that I came home with bags of animals Some that were presumably dead and others making their way out of the garbage bags with wagging tails.
"See, these dogs are alive and well, what seems to be wrong with this one?", I said pointing to the cancer patient. The truth was that a lot was wrong, more than i could possibly know. She had leukemia and was on a chemo which is expensive for an uninsured lab. Had I really taken on this responsibility? What was I thinking? This seemed like the right thing to at the thought of them dying, but now I've got to much on my plate, and can hardly afford to take care of myself. How much can you really care, and what point to you have to focus on you and what you can control? The other animals became a concern now too. I had now adopted 4 dogs, 2 cats, a hamster and a bag of animal bones into my family. What the hell is a person to do?
i woke up feeling disgusted and sick. I just don't know why my head would make up something that disturbing and then feed it to me in a dream. Why can't i have the normal falling out of the sky dreams, teeth falling out, or maybe those "going to school" naked dreams that everyone talks about. Instead I have horror shows that are sometimes in black and white with credits at the end.
Makes no sense. I'm not that clever.
just thought about this. How cool would it be to dream dreams with a director in mind. Imagine always having one in the style or Woody Allen, or David Lynch. I would definitely be requesting a Hitchcock.
A person can dream can't they?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I just submitted a transfer application to TWU. I've decided I'm going to dedicate the next few years to attaining a Music Therapy Degree. It's amazing how much I don't know about this process. I just pray that I'll be able to afford this without going into debt. I've promised myself that I'll apply for every scholarship i can, and save all my pennies to make this happen. Wish me luck. I'm scared. I wish i could have found out i wanted this earlier, so then I'd be ahead of the game. I shouldn't have take backs though. NO, I'm actually am happy the events have unfolded the way they have. just nervous as hell.
happy birthday dad. I'll quit smoking for you.
today at least. Let's hope for more days like it!
happy birthday dad. I'll quit smoking for you.
today at least. Let's hope for more days like it!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I just want to love.
I'm so sad that Carter died. I didn't know him well, but any loss of life is disastrous. He always said hi and/or lite my ciggarette when passing by. There were fun memories i could count on one hand where he would chat with me on Dada's patio when i worked there. it was good and that was it. There's nothing i wished i would have said or any regret for not saying more. I just wish i wasn't so stupid and star struck when he would float around. He was after all just human. I think this has proven that to me.
death. ugh death is something i can handle, on it's own- but not with all the complications this story has. It's like a made for tv movie, something out of a book. It's just to much to really want to believe.
senseless i tell you.
what do we do.?
the overall mood and thoughts during the past few:
I just want to love. all i was consumed with that day was how much i love Eric, and how sunless and broken i would be if anything ever happened to him. How much I love all my family and friends around me. I really really need you people in my life.
i live off your smiles, energy and touch.
I'm thankful for all that are in my life and have been in my life. life has this insane bitter sweet action going on... and i'm just trying to stay on the sweet side.
love,
Camille
death. ugh death is something i can handle, on it's own- but not with all the complications this story has. It's like a made for tv movie, something out of a book. It's just to much to really want to believe.
senseless i tell you.
what do we do.?
the overall mood and thoughts during the past few:
I just want to love. all i was consumed with that day was how much i love Eric, and how sunless and broken i would be if anything ever happened to him. How much I love all my family and friends around me. I really really need you people in my life.
i live off your smiles, energy and touch.
I'm thankful for all that are in my life and have been in my life. life has this insane bitter sweet action going on... and i'm just trying to stay on the sweet side.
love,
Camille
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Dada show
The show last night at Dada was so much fun. there's nothing like playing on stage with people that 1.) are really good 2.) are actually your friends 3.) have fun
there was a nice little vibe there. we played "acoustic" aaron and his good friend curtis busted out with the percussion which just made my night.
wish you could have seen for those of you that missed out. hopefully we will do it again.
there was a nice little vibe there. we played "acoustic" aaron and his good friend curtis busted out with the percussion which just made my night.
wish you could have seen for those of you that missed out. hopefully we will do it again.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
little updates
hello my little cupcakes.
this new year is exciting, and it's kite flying weather today. that puts a smile on my face.
Sam has spit out some of the most amazing music so far in the past couple of months. .. songs about sad swans swimming in a dirty pond, cameras and clocks, the dark september rains.. its soooo good. I'm still really excited about playing music, and have all that positive energy stored somewhere but it's hiding right now. dallas is tough. i try not to let all the music politics get to me, and when i focus on playing music for the moment and the fun it always seems to make more sense. so that's what i'm going to try to do.
here's the scoop on some upcoming shows.
Month of march (my birthday is march 12, i will be 26 can you belive... oh jeeze)
03/17/2007 Bayou Logic Presents ROCK THE SANDBOX
306 Barton Springs Rd, Austin, 78704-1213 -
SXSW/ Bayou Logic Showcase 10 Jayson Bales, 11 AmberRubarth/ Jay Nash, 12 Anagen (unplugged), 1 Derral Gleason, 2 Dan Walker, 3 Natural Ear Music Kids, 4Bruce James, 5 Damesviolet, 6 Full Servie 7pm FISHING FOR COMETS 8 Just Guns, 9 Hurt Street, 10 Slow Train, 11 Sigmund Fraud
03/23/2007 8:00 PM - AllGood Cafe (with Doug Burr)
I'm really looking to play this show with Doug Burr. Most everyone in town has heard him, heard his name, and knows that he deserves great things. My heart does something crazy when i listen to this guys music, and i wish I could write songs half as good as him. (see below i'm the crazy fan)
04/21/2007 -Opening Bell Coffee (with Sam Arnold & Mission to the Sea)
1409 South Lamar Street, Dallas, Texas 75215 - free
1409 South Lamar Street, Dallas, Texas 75215 - free
Formerly known as Standard and Pours.... this is our most favorite place to play.. finally reuniting with friends Mission to the Sea. Sam Arnold- 8-9:15 FFC 9:30--10:30 Mission to the Sea 10:45-11:45
Hope to post more often, i miss you guys!
xo,
camille
Monday, February 26, 2007
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