control this

it appears that i'm a sap, a blow fish if you will.
I'm getting all choked up and crying while watching discovery health "triplets and quints". The show actually takes you inside the labor room and you watch the parents as they see their children for the first time. Watching the couple crying and the husband comforting the wife was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.. It's scary as hell, childbirth. And not only is it a frightening physical experience there's also the aftermath. Is the child healthy? In the case of these, are the triplets are breathing? My god! Watching the husband so powerless and vulnerable really did me in. Men always (usually, typically.... imo)seem androidy when it comes to emotion. I love seeing men expressing feelings freely without embarrassment. (hahah i know androidy is not a word, silly).
Once the babies arrived he was crying hysterically happy tears , they both were, and that's when i caved. The parents are so happy and this is everything for them in that moment, and all the real happiness that exists is in that moment. so much promise for the future. ...the excitement of unknown and what you want to be...or what you've imagined your children to be... and then....
fast forward to the terrible twos and you wonder why you signed up for this. (ha, I'm only kidding)
it's weird for me, because I'm in no position to think about children. There is the desire and urge almost overpowering that creeps in my head. It's really hard to accept, and it's happened more this year. I'm not afraid to think of that as much.. maybe it's because I'm in an real relationship, and that's a real possibility versus being single where that idea would seem really unlikely. There's almost an innate knowledge if i had to be a mother. This is odd because I'm hesitant to do almost anything but i know this would be easy.
It's alarming, the power is bigger than me. Maybe i can't really help it because it's just the nature of being a woman... Similar to barbaric urges men "can't control". Maybe that's it. It would be a shame to think like that. We are put on this world for one reason . That is the natural and normal path to go and everything else is steering away from our purpose.
To have sex and produce offspring.
grrr. NO
i just want to know why.
I don't succumb to pressure. "everyone else is doing it" so that can't be it.
Why do i desire this? That's the real question. Maybe I'm silly for not allowing me to enjoy the "what if's".
i wish (love) to be control of what floats in and out of my mind. This new idea that's hammering in my head definitely didn't knock.