7pm
David Juritz is playing tonight. A virtuoso violinist. He's travelling around the world playing Bach to raise money for Musequality, a charity which supports musical education for the poorest children in developing world. this is cool i suppose
I'm the concierge for the community and during this event. But I'm not working for them. I'm paid to let them in and lock up behind ....they don't know this? it's so important for everyone to know my name so that they can ask me to do things, it's my job to be bossed around. I work in a high class community where people have nannies with a built in apt. for them. All the children i've met all have mental issues. i'm just in shock.
Yesterday a lady had a party for her 4 year old with autism, actually recently diagnosed with Aspergers . This kid had no clue what was involved. This party would make a wedding reception "just an event, like just doin laundry". There was a DJ, band, full on life guard, catered food, butlers of sorts waiting on the guests and children. The assistant Veronica called the little boy "my boss". Tonight, I just overheard another parent discussing the different medications her son is taking. Everyone has a servant. Or a maid,ummm personal assistant is the political term i believe. One of these pink ladies is actually cool. It's not condescending i think she's really trying to speak Spanish to the maid. It just seems so trite. the one "si" over and over.
Tonight, I'm being bossed around without even introduction. "Will you at least introduce yourself before you order me around"? The same lady that's requesting impossible curtain arranging without a smile is the same lady that said to a friend "did you think that was a different Mercedes honking at you on the road, you know what i drive" and is also the same lady that was having her heels fastened by her maid/.
I suppose if your job is to be someone's bitch, you can't complain. If the price is right? I mean you're then getting something out of it too. money, and usually a lot. I suppose we are all someones subordinate in one way or another. It's just hard for me to watch.
These are real people that exist. I just can't believe i'm so close to them right now.
i don't know if it's wrong or right.. but i'm out of touch, and have never felt so belittled and minuscule than i did tonight.
it's sick.
i wanna go home, where i can tie my own shoe and reach my own curtains
i want middle class back.
i'm quiting this job too.
7:40pm
awww. update. it's better. all the kids at the concert were being to hard to handle so they stuck them in the office with me watching cartoons. the best thing about tonight.
oops.. .
8pm
change of heart a little.
the wine and food is really good.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
i'm not over it.
I'm in a good place. there are really no bad things in my life. stresses and tiny mini-dramas, but life is good and I'm blessed to be here writing this, eating salt and vinegar chips and recounting the past hysterical/delirious moments and laughs that eric and i had this weekend. i love him.
but there's always something.
i have little bitches and things that eerk me.
and it's up to me to blow them off or consume me. but since i have no real hardcore problems, i tend to blow the little ones up.
like those horrible tiny water balloons that aren't really meant to be filled with air and are hell to blow up.... and when you do they pop abruptly in your face. ya know? or am i the only lucky one?
i jsut need to release some grrr's in me.
ugly lady that was mean to me after hitting my parked car,
you have made my life a living hell lady that hit my car.
shit happens. i suppose i need to learn to just roll with it.
i realize this kinda stuff is a must in life.
It wouldn't make the good times good ya know?
I'm spoiled, i know i can't always get my way. Bob ross always told me it was my world though.
i just want my deductible back.
then my bank account wouldn't feel so naked.
and then i would calm the fuck down.
stupid jobs, what are you here for?
I'm just trying to earn some money. it's not like i really love you.
you will allow me to do the things i need to do. ...but it's coming with a price.
I suppose i could make some easy money doing god knows what, but unfortunately i have morals, and care to much about myself and those around me. So i have honest work. and great insurance and free coffee, those are goods i need. I'm cutting my other job though.. grrr.
I can also make money honestly doing things i love. music is a must. i need to analyze that more.
I've been unable to have a real day off for a while. But i think i'm just accepting of it now, and don't realize how helpful it could be. almost a zombie, almost.
I'm a mess, and I'm messing on everyone i love.
that's a waste. I know what it's like to be happy, and I'm going to get it back.
hmm what else is making me Grrrr right now.
Cell phones.
grrr i'm not the only one. people have mentioned this i'm sure.
It makes me sad when people are have that piece inside their ear. Why do you do that? does it hurt? I wonder it makes ear wax build up more... or it there are dangers having a person talk that deeply inside your ear canal? Be careful.
it makes me more irate when people order at the drive thru while talking on the phone, and treat the person serving them like an interruption when they are the one doing you a favor by taking your order. It's senseless... stop talking on the phone take care of your business and have your money ready at the window damn you.
i love the phone though. it's 2nd best when you can't communitcate with someone in person, or if your unable to see your lover for the week and that's all you have. i suppose i'll take that.
however
I want to close my eyes and go back to the way we were before cell phones, was it more peaceful? Maybe we are to afraid to be alone now, so we have that constant human connection wherever we go. in the drive through, on the toilet, working out, while out with another friend. What's the urgency, and why does it seem like we all have it now? I'm jealous of those that are cellphone-less or use it simply as a tool to assist with making plans etc.
Smoking.
god, i hate smoking. I'm actually okay without it.
I hate that it still wants me to want it... it's a mental deal i assume. Last night i broke just to have a smoke.... and the pressure from people was terrible and more than that it was pressure i created fearing I'd disappoint someone. Regardless it made the drag seem tasteless. I would have probably been better off without it. BUT in my head i gave that cigarette a world of power.
lame.
i would have eaten skittles, but my jaw's been hurting lately.
and another thing. the JAW
my dumb jaw. It's broken and doesn't work properly. i've had this since i was in braces. I really wish i wore my headgear when i was little. Maybe this wouldn't be happening. (i actually liked braces and the pain of my teeth shifting, sick huh?)
I sat and broke my retainer at an early age, and i really believe that is what's causing all of my little issues up to date.
this is cute. this blog.
but there's always something.
i have little bitches and things that eerk me.
and it's up to me to blow them off or consume me. but since i have no real hardcore problems, i tend to blow the little ones up.
like those horrible tiny water balloons that aren't really meant to be filled with air and are hell to blow up.... and when you do they pop abruptly in your face. ya know? or am i the only lucky one?
i jsut need to release some grrr's in me.
ugly lady that was mean to me after hitting my parked car,
you have made my life a living hell lady that hit my car.
shit happens. i suppose i need to learn to just roll with it.
i realize this kinda stuff is a must in life.
It wouldn't make the good times good ya know?
I'm spoiled, i know i can't always get my way. Bob ross always told me it was my world though.
i just want my deductible back.
then my bank account wouldn't feel so naked.
and then i would calm the fuck down.
stupid jobs, what are you here for?
I'm just trying to earn some money. it's not like i really love you.
you will allow me to do the things i need to do. ...but it's coming with a price.
I suppose i could make some easy money doing god knows what, but unfortunately i have morals, and care to much about myself and those around me. So i have honest work. and great insurance and free coffee, those are goods i need. I'm cutting my other job though.. grrr.
I can also make money honestly doing things i love. music is a must. i need to analyze that more.
I've been unable to have a real day off for a while. But i think i'm just accepting of it now, and don't realize how helpful it could be. almost a zombie, almost.
I'm a mess, and I'm messing on everyone i love.
that's a waste. I know what it's like to be happy, and I'm going to get it back.
hmm what else is making me Grrrr right now.
Cell phones.
grrr i'm not the only one. people have mentioned this i'm sure.
It makes me sad when people are have that piece inside their ear. Why do you do that? does it hurt? I wonder it makes ear wax build up more... or it there are dangers having a person talk that deeply inside your ear canal? Be careful.
it makes me more irate when people order at the drive thru while talking on the phone, and treat the person serving them like an interruption when they are the one doing you a favor by taking your order. It's senseless... stop talking on the phone take care of your business and have your money ready at the window damn you.
i love the phone though. it's 2nd best when you can't communitcate with someone in person, or if your unable to see your lover for the week and that's all you have. i suppose i'll take that.
however
I want to close my eyes and go back to the way we were before cell phones, was it more peaceful? Maybe we are to afraid to be alone now, so we have that constant human connection wherever we go. in the drive through, on the toilet, working out, while out with another friend. What's the urgency, and why does it seem like we all have it now? I'm jealous of those that are cellphone-less or use it simply as a tool to assist with making plans etc.
Smoking.
god, i hate smoking. I'm actually okay without it.
I hate that it still wants me to want it... it's a mental deal i assume. Last night i broke just to have a smoke.... and the pressure from people was terrible and more than that it was pressure i created fearing I'd disappoint someone. Regardless it made the drag seem tasteless. I would have probably been better off without it. BUT in my head i gave that cigarette a world of power.
lame.
i would have eaten skittles, but my jaw's been hurting lately.
and another thing. the JAW
my dumb jaw. It's broken and doesn't work properly. i've had this since i was in braces. I really wish i wore my headgear when i was little. Maybe this wouldn't be happening. (i actually liked braces and the pain of my teeth shifting, sick huh?)
I sat and broke my retainer at an early age, and i really believe that is what's causing all of my little issues up to date.
this is cute. this blog.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
i love wine.
it makes me feel like a marshmellow when i get buzzed. there's something great about the smell, the warmth when it goes down, and the drunk it gets you.
I love it so much that sometimes i get a little sloppy. so sloppy that i puke at nights end.
Last night was awesome.
I talked to so many people, spilled nonsense out of my mouth, danced like a fool, did a hurky in a bar, and managed to ruin my evening with 25 dollars of booze in the toliet.
dummy.
but that's the way i roll.
i should have learned a very valuable lesson.
it makes me feel like a marshmellow when i get buzzed. there's something great about the smell, the warmth when it goes down, and the drunk it gets you.
I love it so much that sometimes i get a little sloppy. so sloppy that i puke at nights end.
Last night was awesome.
I talked to so many people, spilled nonsense out of my mouth, danced like a fool, did a hurky in a bar, and managed to ruin my evening with 25 dollars of booze in the toliet.
dummy.
but that's the way i roll.
i should have learned a very valuable lesson.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
they say it's because i'm sweet.....but really
why do bugs attack me? It never fails when i'm outside, i win bug bites all over my body.
I wonder what makes some people more bug prone that others. whats the deal?
i hope there's an answer out there.
google.. here i come.
well not now, but soon.
I wonder what makes some people more bug prone that others. whats the deal?
i hope there's an answer out there.
google.. here i come.
well not now, but soon.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
quote of the day
"you're life is moving one way, and that's six feet under"
-this was a supposed to be a quote of encouragement from a friend. I find that to be charming.
-this was a supposed to be a quote of encouragement from a friend. I find that to be charming.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
what am i becoming?
I'm a different person. I'm learning to detach myself from those habits which i was so comfortable with but could damage me too. It's amazing how little we really need. I don't even think I realize this. I suppose it's different for everyone, but I'm starting to see it. Bottom line... moderation is what i believe to be key, and you can't assume every human has a knack for that.
goal for me, is to be a healthy person.
I've never considered myself greedy or insatiable. Maybe I am. I just want to be for the right things.
The past year I've lost parts of me that i never thought about losing, but can now see my life without.
Eric is vegetarian. Although I've never considered myself a hardcore meat eater, I've unconsciously taken meat out of my diet. I'm eating I'd say 80% less meat than I used to. The 20% is usually on a Eric-less day and i just couldn't make anything clever, or had a naughty craving for fast food. Usually Chick-fil-A. I don't really even want to be vegetarian. It's more out of habit. I wouldn't mind being vegetarian though. I can deal. Meat isn't that important to me. I'm passionate about other things, and can live without some. Meat is something i can live without. Just don't take ketchup away... or papas fritas. We made vegetarian pitas the other day, and my old self would have placed at least 3 pieces of ham/turkey on it out of habit. I just shared a slice with Fischer and put the half in my sandwich. As i ate my delectable sangwich I thought, "this would be so much better without the meat... it didn't do a damn bit of good putting that in here". I know it would be easy for me to avoid meat that's all. don't know what that means. Just saying.
I worry about being a vegetarian. I guess i can research more and find out good meat replacements and nutrient wise what i need in my diet. I just worry I'll gain weight believe it or not. You know how many meals you can use potatoes with? MY GOD!
I also hate the politics of vegetarianism. There are people that practice vegetarianism and don't bother anyone, and those who turn it into a recruiting game, or a new fashion that is just "SOooooooo" in right now. I hate that with anything people are ready to point the finger and try to break you. There is that funny unsupportive side of humans that creeps out. But you see I'm guilty. I love doing that to people. I'm constantly on the defense when i see a devoted hardcore evangelical christian use the lords name in vain, or cheat on his wife with my best friend. It's great to point the finger because they are making such a big forceful deal about a belief that they can't even see through. It's brilliant. My favorite is the vegan that eats honey. Please. .
but see I'm guilty too. I'm trying to be a tree hugger at work. I've started a recycle program at work, but like to throw cigarette buds out windows. So half assed.
Can't blame people for trying. I mean they are just trying to practice a lifestyle they believe is real and right and thankfully legal. This is what they are striving to live by and sometimes you fall short. I think that's okay. At least you are standing up for something you believe and doing what you can everyday to make an impact. I just don't like the labels. Because it binds you in and if you break there is hell to pay. It gets complicated. To much to even write.
I think it's with anything extreme. There should be a disclaimer. Or when you decide to eat honey wear your "vegan day off" button. So people don't get the wrong idea.
But thank god for environmentalists, animal activists, vegetarians, vegans and Religious fanatics. Anyone with a compassionate passion makes me excited. Even if it's a passion i don't prefer. I guess it's open to interpretation what compassion means to each individual. I'd like to rephrase to suit me.
I'm not referring to any destructive or malicious passion that maybe koresh, dahmer, or hitler would approve.
I quit drinking Dr Pepper. - 3 MONTHS
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
a 2 liter in a day. EVERYDAY. No lie.
with the exception of a few glasses here and there, I've been sober since July.
I quit smoking - 4 DAYS
I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND.
My dad's one birthday wish
"I'd like us as a family to quit smoking".
I laughed and then got pissed. He has more reason to quit than any of us. a smoking diabetic is a death sentence.... He's actually quit, so has my sister.... why the hell am i doing it anyways? So i got a little upset and then told Eric about it. he began: "you know i was thinking what i wanted from you for Christmas"..... oh god...."all i could think of was how i wanted you to quit smoking". Are you serious? This is beginning to feel like an after school special.
sweet Jesus.
Please keep in mind that this is coming from the 2 important men in my life. I'm not really pissed, I'm just upset.. i feel like I've been called out. Why is the one thing they wish for the one thing i feel is mine. This is my one vice. Let me have it. Eric's reasons are a little self centered. rightfully so... It must be atrocious kissing a smoker. As a child I remember the smell, oh how embarrassed i was when others kids smelled the smoke on me. "EEEEEEEeeew your clothes stink, you smell like an ashtray...blah blah.. insert dumb punky kid jabber here.....". It's hard to go back to that time and regain that distaste for it. But i know that's the way non-smokers feel. And like he said, i don't want to damage my precious beautiful freckly skin, or my voice for that matter. I suppose those are positive characteristics i have going! I just happened to choose the one addiction that could strip those away from me. I know it's more of a self-less wish on their part. I know my health is at risk, I know my family has a horrible health history as it is. i know i had heart surgery at 21 and who knows what this could do.
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say I'm a 7 in regards to heavy smoking. I love cigarettes, I love having them when I'm super hyper happy and especially when I'm nervous or eeyore depressed. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know the mechanics of it, or the science behind it, but it made me feel better. It is like opposite day though.. because in actuality it's killing me, and it stinks.
This is really hard for me. I worry that I'll gain weight, and that I'll be a total bitch without them. It's to soon to act like I've conquered this. I'm sure I'll have one again. I'm just trying to do without day by day.
THE PAY OFF
these are habits i had invented for myself for years. The meat thing my entire life. It's not so bad to do without.
I'm trying to keep positive and just replace those habits with others that may benefit and prolong my life
goal for me, is to be a healthy person.
I've never considered myself greedy or insatiable. Maybe I am. I just want to be for the right things.
The past year I've lost parts of me that i never thought about losing, but can now see my life without.
Eric is vegetarian. Although I've never considered myself a hardcore meat eater, I've unconsciously taken meat out of my diet. I'm eating I'd say 80% less meat than I used to. The 20% is usually on a Eric-less day and i just couldn't make anything clever, or had a naughty craving for fast food. Usually Chick-fil-A. I don't really even want to be vegetarian. It's more out of habit. I wouldn't mind being vegetarian though. I can deal. Meat isn't that important to me. I'm passionate about other things, and can live without some. Meat is something i can live without. Just don't take ketchup away... or papas fritas. We made vegetarian pitas the other day, and my old self would have placed at least 3 pieces of ham/turkey on it out of habit. I just shared a slice with Fischer and put the half in my sandwich. As i ate my delectable sangwich I thought, "this would be so much better without the meat... it didn't do a damn bit of good putting that in here". I know it would be easy for me to avoid meat that's all. don't know what that means. Just saying.
I worry about being a vegetarian. I guess i can research more and find out good meat replacements and nutrient wise what i need in my diet. I just worry I'll gain weight believe it or not. You know how many meals you can use potatoes with? MY GOD!
I also hate the politics of vegetarianism. There are people that practice vegetarianism and don't bother anyone, and those who turn it into a recruiting game, or a new fashion that is just "SOooooooo" in right now. I hate that with anything people are ready to point the finger and try to break you. There is that funny unsupportive side of humans that creeps out. But you see I'm guilty. I love doing that to people. I'm constantly on the defense when i see a devoted hardcore evangelical christian use the lords name in vain, or cheat on his wife with my best friend. It's great to point the finger because they are making such a big forceful deal about a belief that they can't even see through. It's brilliant. My favorite is the vegan that eats honey. Please. .
but see I'm guilty too. I'm trying to be a tree hugger at work. I've started a recycle program at work, but like to throw cigarette buds out windows. So half assed.
Can't blame people for trying. I mean they are just trying to practice a lifestyle they believe is real and right and thankfully legal. This is what they are striving to live by and sometimes you fall short. I think that's okay. At least you are standing up for something you believe and doing what you can everyday to make an impact. I just don't like the labels. Because it binds you in and if you break there is hell to pay. It gets complicated. To much to even write.
I think it's with anything extreme. There should be a disclaimer. Or when you decide to eat honey wear your "vegan day off" button. So people don't get the wrong idea.
But thank god for environmentalists, animal activists, vegetarians, vegans and Religious fanatics. Anyone with a compassionate passion makes me excited. Even if it's a passion i don't prefer. I guess it's open to interpretation what compassion means to each individual. I'd like to rephrase to suit me.
I'm not referring to any destructive or malicious passion that maybe koresh, dahmer, or hitler would approve.
I quit drinking Dr Pepper. - 3 MONTHS
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
a 2 liter in a day. EVERYDAY. No lie.
with the exception of a few glasses here and there, I've been sober since July.
I quit smoking - 4 DAYS
I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND.
My dad's one birthday wish
"I'd like us as a family to quit smoking".
I laughed and then got pissed. He has more reason to quit than any of us. a smoking diabetic is a death sentence.... He's actually quit, so has my sister.... why the hell am i doing it anyways? So i got a little upset and then told Eric about it. he began: "you know i was thinking what i wanted from you for Christmas"..... oh god...."all i could think of was how i wanted you to quit smoking". Are you serious? This is beginning to feel like an after school special.
sweet Jesus.
Please keep in mind that this is coming from the 2 important men in my life. I'm not really pissed, I'm just upset.. i feel like I've been called out. Why is the one thing they wish for the one thing i feel is mine. This is my one vice. Let me have it. Eric's reasons are a little self centered. rightfully so... It must be atrocious kissing a smoker. As a child I remember the smell, oh how embarrassed i was when others kids smelled the smoke on me. "EEEEEEEeeew your clothes stink, you smell like an ashtray...blah blah.. insert dumb punky kid jabber here.....". It's hard to go back to that time and regain that distaste for it. But i know that's the way non-smokers feel. And like he said, i don't want to damage my precious beautiful freckly skin, or my voice for that matter. I suppose those are positive characteristics i have going! I just happened to choose the one addiction that could strip those away from me. I know it's more of a self-less wish on their part. I know my health is at risk, I know my family has a horrible health history as it is. i know i had heart surgery at 21 and who knows what this could do.
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say I'm a 7 in regards to heavy smoking. I love cigarettes, I love having them when I'm super hyper happy and especially when I'm nervous or eeyore depressed. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know the mechanics of it, or the science behind it, but it made me feel better. It is like opposite day though.. because in actuality it's killing me, and it stinks.
This is really hard for me. I worry that I'll gain weight, and that I'll be a total bitch without them. It's to soon to act like I've conquered this. I'm sure I'll have one again. I'm just trying to do without day by day.
THE PAY OFF
yeah yeah, i realize the future"pay offs" I've seen what old smokers look like, i have heard Joni Mitchell's voice. It's hard to value those things when I'm living here and now and want to see instant results. Such a child, i know. I have yet to see full on positive results from these things. I think they are in little spurts. I really want to lose weight. I've dropped 5-8 pounds from my Dr. pepper less diet alone. Regarding smoking, i just want one NOW... but know i can't. It's this game for me. See who breaks first. Me or me. I've got little headaches that dance around my brain like there was a fiesta. My throat is more sore than when I was smoking, and I think i'm gassy. haha. it's soo true. now how can this be better? Maybe it's withdrawal, but to admit that is to admit that i have/had an addiction which i don't/didn't. denial is the first sign right? hee hee
these are habits i had invented for myself for years. The meat thing my entire life. It's not so bad to do without.
I'm trying to keep positive and just replace those habits with others that may benefit and prolong my life
in my head
terrible terrible dream.
I was in a huge auditorium filled to maximum capacity with metal stadium benches all up and down. The place was packed, People were there with their pets. It began like a game show where people would introduce themselves, name, hometown etc... then express what type of animal they had and what their current animal illness was. This was the place these animals were going to die. "I'm Kathy Goodson, i have three dogs. One is this black lab and she has cancer. She is currently being treated but probably won't have long". (probably) " The other two, well i just don't have the time or the funds to hold onto to them honestly. I figured this was the best place to take them". Now my dream led me to believe that once the ex-owners left the building, this area became a sort of gas chamber, or place that was set on fire, and then reopened for another use.
The entire "talk show" audience was like this. People with birds, cats, horses, snakes, Noah's reject ark. I didn't understand why this was going on, and why reality television had gotten to this holocaustic point. Somehow, (don't ask me how i became so brave) I began to protest down the aisle and began to rescue as many of these sick creatures as I could. All i remember is that I came home with bags of animals Some that were presumably dead and others making their way out of the garbage bags with wagging tails.
"See, these dogs are alive and well, what seems to be wrong with this one?", I said pointing to the cancer patient. The truth was that a lot was wrong, more than i could possibly know. She had leukemia and was on a chemo which is expensive for an uninsured lab. Had I really taken on this responsibility? What was I thinking? This seemed like the right thing to at the thought of them dying, but now I've got to much on my plate, and can hardly afford to take care of myself. How much can you really care, and what point to you have to focus on you and what you can control? The other animals became a concern now too. I had now adopted 4 dogs, 2 cats, a hamster and a bag of animal bones into my family. What the hell is a person to do?
i woke up feeling disgusted and sick. I just don't know why my head would make up something that disturbing and then feed it to me in a dream. Why can't i have the normal falling out of the sky dreams, teeth falling out, or maybe those "going to school" naked dreams that everyone talks about. Instead I have horror shows that are sometimes in black and white with credits at the end.
Makes no sense. I'm not that clever.
just thought about this. How cool would it be to dream dreams with a director in mind. Imagine always having one in the style or Woody Allen, or David Lynch. I would definitely be requesting a Hitchcock.
A person can dream can't they?
I was in a huge auditorium filled to maximum capacity with metal stadium benches all up and down. The place was packed, People were there with their pets. It began like a game show where people would introduce themselves, name, hometown etc... then express what type of animal they had and what their current animal illness was. This was the place these animals were going to die. "I'm Kathy Goodson, i have three dogs. One is this black lab and she has cancer. She is currently being treated but probably won't have long". (probably) " The other two, well i just don't have the time or the funds to hold onto to them honestly. I figured this was the best place to take them". Now my dream led me to believe that once the ex-owners left the building, this area became a sort of gas chamber, or place that was set on fire, and then reopened for another use.
The entire "talk show" audience was like this. People with birds, cats, horses, snakes, Noah's reject ark. I didn't understand why this was going on, and why reality television had gotten to this holocaustic point. Somehow, (don't ask me how i became so brave) I began to protest down the aisle and began to rescue as many of these sick creatures as I could. All i remember is that I came home with bags of animals Some that were presumably dead and others making their way out of the garbage bags with wagging tails.
"See, these dogs are alive and well, what seems to be wrong with this one?", I said pointing to the cancer patient. The truth was that a lot was wrong, more than i could possibly know. She had leukemia and was on a chemo which is expensive for an uninsured lab. Had I really taken on this responsibility? What was I thinking? This seemed like the right thing to at the thought of them dying, but now I've got to much on my plate, and can hardly afford to take care of myself. How much can you really care, and what point to you have to focus on you and what you can control? The other animals became a concern now too. I had now adopted 4 dogs, 2 cats, a hamster and a bag of animal bones into my family. What the hell is a person to do?
i woke up feeling disgusted and sick. I just don't know why my head would make up something that disturbing and then feed it to me in a dream. Why can't i have the normal falling out of the sky dreams, teeth falling out, or maybe those "going to school" naked dreams that everyone talks about. Instead I have horror shows that are sometimes in black and white with credits at the end.
Makes no sense. I'm not that clever.
just thought about this. How cool would it be to dream dreams with a director in mind. Imagine always having one in the style or Woody Allen, or David Lynch. I would definitely be requesting a Hitchcock.
A person can dream can't they?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I just submitted a transfer application to TWU. I've decided I'm going to dedicate the next few years to attaining a Music Therapy Degree. It's amazing how much I don't know about this process. I just pray that I'll be able to afford this without going into debt. I've promised myself that I'll apply for every scholarship i can, and save all my pennies to make this happen. Wish me luck. I'm scared. I wish i could have found out i wanted this earlier, so then I'd be ahead of the game. I shouldn't have take backs though. NO, I'm actually am happy the events have unfolded the way they have. just nervous as hell.
happy birthday dad. I'll quit smoking for you.
today at least. Let's hope for more days like it!
happy birthday dad. I'll quit smoking for you.
today at least. Let's hope for more days like it!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I just want to love.
I'm so sad that Carter died. I didn't know him well, but any loss of life is disastrous. He always said hi and/or lite my ciggarette when passing by. There were fun memories i could count on one hand where he would chat with me on Dada's patio when i worked there. it was good and that was it. There's nothing i wished i would have said or any regret for not saying more. I just wish i wasn't so stupid and star struck when he would float around. He was after all just human. I think this has proven that to me.
death. ugh death is something i can handle, on it's own- but not with all the complications this story has. It's like a made for tv movie, something out of a book. It's just to much to really want to believe.
senseless i tell you.
what do we do.?
the overall mood and thoughts during the past few:
I just want to love. all i was consumed with that day was how much i love Eric, and how sunless and broken i would be if anything ever happened to him. How much I love all my family and friends around me. I really really need you people in my life.
i live off your smiles, energy and touch.
I'm thankful for all that are in my life and have been in my life. life has this insane bitter sweet action going on... and i'm just trying to stay on the sweet side.
love,
Camille
death. ugh death is something i can handle, on it's own- but not with all the complications this story has. It's like a made for tv movie, something out of a book. It's just to much to really want to believe.
senseless i tell you.
what do we do.?
the overall mood and thoughts during the past few:
I just want to love. all i was consumed with that day was how much i love Eric, and how sunless and broken i would be if anything ever happened to him. How much I love all my family and friends around me. I really really need you people in my life.
i live off your smiles, energy and touch.
I'm thankful for all that are in my life and have been in my life. life has this insane bitter sweet action going on... and i'm just trying to stay on the sweet side.
love,
Camille
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