goal for me, is to be a healthy person.
I've never considered myself greedy or insatiable. Maybe I am. I just want to be for the right things.
The past year I've lost parts of me that i never thought about losing, but can now see my life without.
Eric is vegetarian. Although I've never considered myself a hardcore meat eater, I've unconsciously taken meat out of my diet. I'm eating I'd say 80% less meat than I used to. The 20% is usually on a Eric-less day and i just couldn't make anything clever, or had a naughty craving for fast food. Usually Chick-fil-A. I don't really even want to be vegetarian. It's more out of habit. I wouldn't mind being vegetarian though. I can deal. Meat isn't that important to me. I'm passionate about other things, and can live without some. Meat is something i can live without. Just don't take ketchup away... or papas fritas. We made vegetarian pitas the other day, and my old self would have placed at least 3 pieces of ham/turkey on it out of habit. I just shared a slice with Fischer and put the half in my sandwich. As i ate my delectable sangwich I thought, "this would be so much better without the meat... it didn't do a damn bit of good putting that in here". I know it would be easy for me to avoid meat that's all. don't know what that means. Just saying.
I worry about being a vegetarian. I guess i can research more and find out good meat replacements and nutrient wise what i need in my diet. I just worry I'll gain weight believe it or not. You know how many meals you can use potatoes with? MY GOD!
I also hate the politics of vegetarianism. There are people that practice vegetarianism and don't bother anyone, and those who turn it into a recruiting game, or a new fashion that is just "SOooooooo" in right now. I hate that with anything people are ready to point the finger and try to break you. There is that funny unsupportive side of humans that creeps out. But you see I'm guilty. I love doing that to people. I'm constantly on the defense when i see a devoted hardcore evangelical christian use the lords name in vain, or cheat on his wife with my best friend. It's great to point the finger because they are making such a big forceful deal about a belief that they can't even see through. It's brilliant. My favorite is the vegan that eats honey. Please. .
but see I'm guilty too. I'm trying to be a tree hugger at work. I've started a recycle program at work, but like to throw cigarette buds out windows. So half assed.
Can't blame people for trying. I mean they are just trying to practice a lifestyle they believe is real and right and thankfully legal. This is what they are striving to live by and sometimes you fall short. I think that's okay. At least you are standing up for something you believe and doing what you can everyday to make an impact. I just don't like the labels. Because it binds you in and if you break there is hell to pay. It gets complicated. To much to even write.
I think it's with anything extreme. There should be a disclaimer. Or when you decide to eat honey wear your "vegan day off" button. So people don't get the wrong idea.
But thank god for environmentalists, animal activists, vegetarians, vegans and Religious fanatics. Anyone with a compassionate passion makes me excited. Even if it's a passion i don't prefer. I guess it's open to interpretation what compassion means to each individual. I'd like to rephrase to suit me.
I'm not referring to any destructive or malicious passion that maybe koresh, dahmer, or hitler would approve.
I quit drinking Dr Pepper. - 3 MONTHS
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
a 2 liter in a day. EVERYDAY. No lie.
with the exception of a few glasses here and there, I've been sober since July.
I quit smoking - 4 DAYS
I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND.
My dad's one birthday wish
"I'd like us as a family to quit smoking".
I laughed and then got pissed. He has more reason to quit than any of us. a smoking diabetic is a death sentence.... He's actually quit, so has my sister.... why the hell am i doing it anyways? So i got a little upset and then told Eric about it. he began: "you know i was thinking what i wanted from you for Christmas"..... oh god...."all i could think of was how i wanted you to quit smoking". Are you serious? This is beginning to feel like an after school special.
sweet Jesus.
Please keep in mind that this is coming from the 2 important men in my life. I'm not really pissed, I'm just upset.. i feel like I've been called out. Why is the one thing they wish for the one thing i feel is mine. This is my one vice. Let me have it. Eric's reasons are a little self centered. rightfully so... It must be atrocious kissing a smoker. As a child I remember the smell, oh how embarrassed i was when others kids smelled the smoke on me. "EEEEEEEeeew your clothes stink, you smell like an ashtray...blah blah.. insert dumb punky kid jabber here.....". It's hard to go back to that time and regain that distaste for it. But i know that's the way non-smokers feel. And like he said, i don't want to damage my precious beautiful freckly skin, or my voice for that matter. I suppose those are positive characteristics i have going! I just happened to choose the one addiction that could strip those away from me. I know it's more of a self-less wish on their part. I know my health is at risk, I know my family has a horrible health history as it is. i know i had heart surgery at 21 and who knows what this could do.
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say I'm a 7 in regards to heavy smoking. I love cigarettes, I love having them when I'm super hyper happy and especially when I'm nervous or eeyore depressed. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know the mechanics of it, or the science behind it, but it made me feel better. It is like opposite day though.. because in actuality it's killing me, and it stinks.
This is really hard for me. I worry that I'll gain weight, and that I'll be a total bitch without them. It's to soon to act like I've conquered this. I'm sure I'll have one again. I'm just trying to do without day by day.
THE PAY OFF
yeah yeah, i realize the future"pay offs" I've seen what old smokers look like, i have heard Joni Mitchell's voice. It's hard to value those things when I'm living here and now and want to see instant results. Such a child, i know. I have yet to see full on positive results from these things. I think they are in little spurts. I really want to lose weight. I've dropped 5-8 pounds from my Dr. pepper less diet alone. Regarding smoking, i just want one NOW... but know i can't. It's this game for me. See who breaks first. Me or me. I've got little headaches that dance around my brain like there was a fiesta. My throat is more sore than when I was smoking, and I think i'm gassy. haha. it's soo true. now how can this be better? Maybe it's withdrawal, but to admit that is to admit that i have/had an addiction which i don't/didn't. denial is the first sign right? hee hee
these are habits i had invented for myself for years. The meat thing my entire life. It's not so bad to do without.
I'm trying to keep positive and just replace those habits with others that may benefit and prolong my life
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