i'm not over it.

I'm in a good place. there are really no bad things in my life. stresses and tiny mini-dramas, but life is good and I'm blessed to be here writing this, eating salt and vinegar chips and recounting the past hysterical/delirious moments and laughs that eric and i had this weekend. i love him.

but there's always something.
i have little bitches and things that eerk me.
and it's up to me to blow them off or consume me. but since i have no real hardcore problems, i tend to blow the little ones up.
like those horrible tiny water balloons that aren't really meant to be filled with air and are hell to blow up.... and when you do they pop abruptly in your face. ya know? or am i the only lucky one?
i jsut need to release some grrr's in me.

ugly lady that was mean to me after hitting my parked car,

you have made my life a living hell lady that hit my car.
shit happens. i suppose i need to learn to just roll with it.
i realize this kinda stuff is a must in life.
It wouldn't make the good times good ya know?
I'm spoiled, i know i can't always get my way. Bob ross always told me it was my world though.
i just want my deductible back.
then my bank account wouldn't feel so naked.
and then i would calm the fuck down.

stupid jobs, what are you here for?
I'm just trying to earn some money. it's not like i really love you.
you will allow me to do the things i need to do. ...but it's coming with a price.
I suppose i could make some easy money doing god knows what, but unfortunately i have morals, and care to much about myself and those around me. So i have honest work. and great insurance and free coffee, those are goods i need. I'm cutting my other job though.. grrr.
I can also make money honestly doing things i love. music is a must. i need to analyze that more.

I've been unable to have a real day off for a while. But i think i'm just accepting of it now, and don't realize how helpful it could be. almost a zombie, almost.

I'm a mess, and I'm messing on everyone i love.
that's a waste. I know what it's like to be happy, and I'm going to get it back.

hmm what else is making me Grrrr right now.

Cell phones.
grrr i'm not the only one. people have mentioned this i'm sure.
It makes me sad when people are have that piece inside their ear. Why do you do that? does it hurt? I wonder it makes ear wax build up more... or it there are dangers having a person talk that deeply inside your ear canal? Be careful.
it makes me more irate when people order at the drive thru while talking on the phone, and treat the person serving them like an interruption when they are the one doing you a favor by taking your order. It's senseless... stop talking on the phone take care of your business and have your money ready at the window damn you.


i love the phone though. it's 2nd best when you can't communitcate with someone in person, or if your unable to see your lover for the week and that's all you have. i suppose i'll take that.
however
I want to close my eyes and go back to the way we were before cell phones, was it more peaceful? Maybe we are to afraid to be alone now, so we have that constant human connection wherever we go. in the drive through, on the toilet, working out, while out with another friend. What's the urgency, and why does it seem like we all have it now? I'm jealous of those that are cellphone-less or use it simply as a tool to assist with making plans etc.



Smoking.
god, i hate smoking. I'm actually okay without it.
I hate that it still wants me to want it... it's a mental deal i assume. Last night i broke just to have a smoke.... and the pressure from people was terrible and more than that it was pressure i created fearing I'd disappoint someone. Regardless it made the drag seem tasteless. I would have probably been better off without it. BUT in my head i gave that cigarette a world of power.
lame.
i would have eaten skittles, but my jaw's been hurting lately.

and another thing. the JAW
my dumb jaw. It's broken and doesn't work properly. i've had this since i was in braces. I really wish i wore my headgear when i was little. Maybe this wouldn't be happening. (i actually liked braces and the pain of my teeth shifting, sick huh?)
I sat and broke my retainer at an early age, and i really believe that is what's causing all of my little issues up to date.


this is cute. this blog.